Ben's Bad Breakfast Is Back

Spinach, mixed greens, two fried eggs (sunny side up but all folded on the plate), and steak cut french fries

Back in action and check out this bad boy!

Pioneered this combo this week, fries and eggs for breakfast, damn! Then the mixed greens for veggie content (I don't really need dressing just smear a little yolk and/or ketchup with 'em), and today because it was Saturday and I wanted to PUSH THE ENVELOPE I quick steamed some spinach in the egg pan after the eggz wuz dun.

Pretty friggin' killer, if I do say so myself.

Did coffee and fruit beforehand -- a fuji apple and a quarter pint of blueberries. Deeeeelicious!

As you can see I'm not on any particular crazy diet regime right now. I tend not to eat meat, and avoid wheat as much as possible. Other than that, I love veggies and fruit; and am enjoying taking on some more typical North American accoutrements like coffee, fried eggs and FRENCH FRIES. Oh the french fries.

Ninjutsu Muse-ings

A cool man. Possibly a great man.

Ninjutsu is the art of perseverance.

Ninjutsu is a way of moving through space.

What is the purpose of martial arts? "To live." Hatsumi Soke

*

I've been at this fairly idly for about what... 6 months now? And it's a beautiful art. I'm apprehensive to say that still, because.

Because it's like starting to feel like yer falling in love and you get nervous feeling that maybe-going-over-the-falls kind've feeling. And you still don't know who/what this really is, but you think you see something so bright and shining in there for you, and it's still basically a selfish thing at this point, but there are occasional glimpses of maybe, you know, real love, where you want to serve the love-object for its own sake... and that's really scary because you REALLY AREN'T SURE who/what you're falling for anyways, so how could you already be thinking about giving of yourself, sacrificing?

And so you stay cool in other ways, and you just don't push too hard, but it gets into your dreams and distracts you in waking moments, and you really wish that it's all true. This could be the start of something beautiful.

*

www.budomontreal.com

*

What is the sensei relationship?

It's the realization that your ideas about what you're learning can't plausibly outstrip your teacher's knowledge; that the best you can do is imitate as closely as possible, not blindly, but with eyes and heart and mind wide open and blazing fierce.

It's the choice to trust, to engage with not just a passing of information, but with a multi-dimensional transmission of knowledge, of a way.

*

Stop violence. Train your heart and stop violence.

*

So that's all the high-falutin' stuff.

Then there's fighting.

Swords.

Ninjas.

Punches,
kicks,
blocks,
throws,
breaks,
rolls.

Black pajamas and colourful belts and pressure points and dirty tricks.

Glorious.

u-techno-topia - a wishlist

quit bringing back containers of oranges
what we need is gold filaments and new TVs
component systems, radio sets,
hotwire threepeaters, gel-cooled amps,
aerodyne rate jumpers, a cable-caught box.

new technologies, man
the theory sprung real
all things crystalline
engineered and bright
harder light and shiny smart
everything a crystal.

no more oranges, baby!

from now on just high-control buses, flash RAM persuaders, optical read arms, digital copper strands, sever-level matrices, extra-dense think paths, dreamshift polymers, aqualung cylinders, cable-thick parameters, antiloss screens,

electrogreen channel-enhancers, flow-optimizing backlinks, uplinks, trucklinks, trained ion-release synchrony, clock-tick triggerwire, mini-pull anchor sockets, jungle-proofed hardware processing, Italian marble-meters, cautious profile synthesis, voice matrix screening controls, mega-large moulding stations,

traction metrics, topographic mesh controllers, skin-sensitive automation, nanopore digitizers and span pollutants, the octothotic steel process, new coverage limiters, blank system deep-charging, enhanced coupling, virtual thought meta-breaks,

coiled breech autoloaders, Taiwan-stable system aids, marking-tracking bit bots, police gauge stock adhesives, flame-retardant therapeutics, oxy counters, the many-doubles market theory, old-Freon reconditioning, starch-lubed slip rails,

core toxicity scans, ultrafine distiller mods, back-fit wrench doublers, ultrablack beaching tires, self-constructing hulls, autolopers, many-fit hex bolts, carbonized nanothreads in microscale assembly,

last-chance pop fuses, autofiring fan controls, many-hubbed loop captures, enhanced membrane arcs, catalytic range expanders, noiseless smoke reduction, rolling test cases, micromarked chain sequencers, supervapour capture bags, and laser-trained pattern beacons.

The Tao of Poor Health

LA colours; a crookedy November in California.

So sometimes my nerves get all weird and I want to jump out of my skin. And sometimes I sleep for 9 hours from an early start and still need a nap and a half the next day to stay cool. And sometimes I push myself through the exhaustion and end up so fried that my mood zig-zags and dives like a drunken seagull.

Lots of times I run my mind at top speed, trying to figure out what the cause(s) could be, from physical to spiritual, superstitious to plausible, facts to fantasy. I think about "getting better", but maybe I never will. So far no doctor has figured it out, and no treatment has really, fully or conclusively turned it around.

And so sometimes I get frustrated. And sometimes I worry. I wonder what will happen in the future, how will I be able to manage work, school, relationships, creative work, service, at this that or the other time-to-come. Sometimes I even start to pity my self.*

And then in class we're studying Chuang Tzu, one of the foundational texts of Taoism, and I come across this story:

Master Ssu, Master Yu, Master Li, and Master Lai were all four talking together. "Who can look upon nonbeing as his head, on life as his back, and on death as his rump?" they said. "Who knows that life and death, existence and annihiliation, are all a single body? I will be his friend!"

The four men looked at each other and smiled. There was no disagreement in their hearts and so the four of them became friends.

All at once Master Yu fell ill. Master Ssu went to ask how he was.

"Amazing!" said Master Yu. "The Creator is making me all crookedy like this! My back sticks up like a hunchback and my vital organs are on top of me. My chin is hidden in my navel, my shoulders are up above my head, and my pigtail points at the sky. It must be some dislocation of the yin and yang!"

Yet he seemed calm at heart and unconcerned. Dragging himself haltingly to the well, he looked at his reflection and said, "My, my! So the Creator is making me all crookedy like this!"

"Do you resent it?" asked Master Ssu.

"Why no, what would I resent? If the process continues, perhaps in time he'll transform my left arm into a rooster. In that case I'll keep watch on the night. Or perhaps in time he'll transform my right arm into a crossbow pellet and I'll shoot down an owl for roasting. Or perhaps in time he'll transform my buttocks into cartwheels. Then with my spirit for a horse, I'll climb up and go for a ride. What need will I ever have for a carriage again?

"I received life because the time had come; I will lose it because the order of things passes on. Be content with this time and dwell in this order and then neither sorrow nor joy can touch you. In ancient times this was called the 'freeing of the bound'. There are those who cannot free themselves, because they are bound by things. But nothing can ever win against Heaven--that's the way it's always been. What would I have to resent?"

And so lately when my body jitters, my heart flutters, my mind quakes, and my nerves twitch and dance and shout, I remind myself that I received life because the time had come; and I'll lose it because the order of things passes on. I think to myself, "My, my! Amazing! The Creator is making me all crookedy like this!"

I look around and take in the sights and smells and sounds, and especially the sensations in my body. I watch people, and the sky, and buildings, and the hairs on my arm.

I let go of my expectations for awhile. I take some deep breaths. Maybe I'd like something to eat; so I eat. Maybe I'd like to work; so I work.

Hm.

What could I have to resent?

* "and all the while my spirit is being blown by great winds across the sky".

A Bean Salad; and The Might of Beans

Organic navy beans, celery, alfalfa sprouts, coriander, squeezed lemon, olive oil, dill, sea salt

A little on the plain side, even with the dash of sea salt -- the navy beans are from Eden Organics and are unsalted -- but a pleasant mix of textures, hearty, and very fresh tasting.

The nutritional power of beans keeps coming up in my food related discussions; check out the numbers on these bad mothers:

Per 125ml - 1/2 cup
Calories 110
Fat 0g
Cholesterol 0mg
Sodium 15mg
Potassium 300mg (8% Daily Value)
Carbohydrate 20g
- Fibre 7g (28%)
- Sugars 0g
Protein 7g

Calcium 8% Daily Value
Iron 15%
Thiamine B1 10%
Phosphorous 15%
Magnesium 20%
Zinc 20%

This is with no enrichment, just beans, water and Kombu seaweed (as preservative or flavour agent, I'm not sure -- small shreds of it are barely visible in the can). Plus they're organic, so they're poison free and more likely to have the micronutrients bestowed by natural fertilization.

Since I ate the whole can (398ml) for my salad, you can triple everything there. Pretty rockin', no? Who says you can't get protein, iron, or calcium on a vegan diet? Looking at these kinds of numbers on the food I've been eating also fosters my already-raging skepticism about the necessity of vitamin supplements, and super-processed foods that advertise things like high-fibre, et cetera. William Shatner is wicked and all, but All-Bran bars are not a very natural or cost-effective (and defintely not the only) way to get serious fibre in yer diet.

Elimination Diet -- Day 44 Update

Another morning of clean living.

Well I'm now half-again as far along this ride as I was when I last posted. Interesting. It feels like it should be both longer and shorter.

Point is, this diet has become pretty normal. Not without stress or frustration for me, but certainly quite habituated.

For most of the last two weeks I seem to have been struggling with a flu/cold bug of some sort; I was completely knocked out for a couple days with fever and sleeplessness, and then experienced various extra-bonus-fatigue and other symptoms until pretty much this afternoon, when things seem to have taken a decided turn for the better. Back to Day 30ish condition.

Not a lot to say, because not much has changed since my last post.

Which has led to frustration. Clearly food allergy alone is not the primary source of my health troubles; I'll be checking this assertion with my naturopath, but to me it seems clear that if I haven't noticed world-rocking change after six weeks of the elimination diet, sensitivity/allergy to any of the proscribed foods is not the culprit.

I'm just as confident that the diet has helped, and that giving my system a break from gluten in particular was a very kind thing to do. Also, I have more reference experiences and data to bring with me on the continuing quest for health. And cooking/shopping skill, too!


So what's next?

I've got blood and stool sample tests coming back from the lab in the next week or so, checking for parasites, anemia, blood-sugar issues (diabetes), thyroid and liver function... maybe there's a mononucleiosis check in there, too? So that's a lot of data one way or the other, whatever it finds or doesn't find.

(Ever done a stool sample? A funky operation, to say the least.)

When that comes in, I'll make another appointment with good ol' Doctor V to consult on what to do with the data.

In the meantime, I've been practicing Qi Gong, and working on best-practices for sleep, diet and exercise, staying in my body, cultivating peacefulness and contentment, and praying for the best. I went through a week of pretty frequent bouts of anger and frustration with my condition. "Here I am sticking to this stupid, hard-assed diet, and it's not working, and what am I going to do..." Oh yeah, some fear and anxiety in there, too.

So I've had to remind myself often to stay in the moment, not get so caught in this goal of health that I get in a "delayed living" state of mind. I could die tomorrow, or be sick mysteriously forever -- and many people live with worse disabilities. Love and live now, my Ben, it's all you get.

Today I enjoyed much peace, and also greater pleasure in and use of my body. They may even be connected -- but I recommit to hold to contentment regardless.

The spiritual dimension of poor health.

Virtue of the Year: Authenticity

Along the lines of my primary focus for the year, I've decided to pick a sort of "virtue of the year".

That virtue is authenticity, the quality of being completely honest with one's self, expressing one's self freely -- not without discretion, but neither letting "discretion" be a euphemism for fear and laxity -- and having thoughts, words and actions be in integrity.

I expect to gain peace, honesty, courage, trustworthiness and power from an increase in authenticity. Love too will flow more easily in a medium of truth.

I intend to pursue this virtue even as it may temporarily "threaten" or "injure" the growth of other marks of character. Especially politeness. Careful self-adjustment to avoid disruption has been a focus for years. Politeness can take a back seat for awhile.

A lack of authenticity has really kicked my ass over the past decade and more. Fear of reprisal (rejection) from or injury to family, peers, strangers and even God, have all been part of my justification. Increasingly, the rationalizations clearly served fear more than love, or any imagined benefit to others. It took a lot of painful run-ins with brick walls to get me where I am with facing authenticity; I feel like I'm in the home stretch but there's a lot of work to do yet.

As I'm learning already, the more likely victim of this pursuit, rather than family, friends, humanity or God, is my precarious and over-elaborated self-image, and beliefs network. To the extent that I discover unpleasant or unvirtuous or weak things about myself and my behaviours, I am potentially given the power to change. With those sins under wraps, misted in self-deception, nothing changes. Nothing grows. Pain, God's mighty gift for informing us that we're running aground, results.

Ignorance — remember? Not bliss.

If the truth challenges something I hold dear, then the dearness should be put in question, not the truth. When the truth storm settles, I'll see what's left, and start building again in earnest.

In the meantime, onward stony lion: glory calls.