Social Dynamics: Vibing

This non-sequitur is just to get you in the mood

Perhaps the single most valuable concept I learned from my dallying in the world of pickup is that of vibing.

Owen Cook ("Tyler Durden"), of Real Social Dynamics, describes vibing as a non-linear form of conversation, a free-flow of social energy between two or more people that cleanses out the system, dissipitating frustration and other psychic fatigue effects of our daily struggles, and/or of excess self-consciousness.

When we vibe we relax our expectations, humour comes easily and free-flowing associations carry the conversation from here to there and back again. Vibing is not about content -- the medium is the message, and the message is a feeling of freedom, playfulness and light and easy connection.

Some people, through accidents of birth and environment, end up better at vibing than others, but I am living proof that it can be learned.

I used to hold so much importance on linearity of conversation; was so attached to the quality and relevance of content, to "having a good conversation"; had so much fear of "making a mistake" and being rejected; in short, I was so barricaded in self-consciousness that vibing was almost impossible.

The only people I could occasionally manage it was with my family -- we share a unique sense of humour and conversational style, and my rejection sensitivity was less of an issue there. (And in general we all have familiar groups or spaces where vibing is a well-established mode.) But for years, with peers, acquaintances, and many friends, I was usually stiff, guarded, linear, stuck. This was disastrous for my social experiences, and thus for my self-concept, self-esteem and even my physical health.

Now I am able to play with it, use it as a tool, consciously shift into a vibing space if I realize I need that kind of energy shift or am falling into old patterns; I notice myself being playful and easy with peers, new friends, clerks, attractive women, respected teachers, strangers, aunts and uncles, housemates -- groups of people with whom, for various reasons, I used to be expecially uptight.

Vibing is one of those things that many people learn naturally, and so it's invisible to them. But if for whatever reason, it isn't learned naturally, it has to be made conscious. The foundation of understanding, beliefs and habits has to be created in order for it to be possible, be initiated, arise, and in time become as natural (and possibly much more potent) as for those who never had to consciously learn it. To begin, just a conscious understanding that non-linear conversation is both normal and useful can be a godsend for the headier among us.

She seems to have no problems letting the energy flow

Below are some effects, attributes and prerequisites for vibing.

What does vibing do?

- fosters an atmosphere of ease and relaxation

- cleanses the energy system -- though I can't describe how, experience shows that it literally changes our physiology

- wipes away senses of loneliness, frustration, confusion & stress -- distracts us long enough for those feelings and thoughts to lose momentum and significance

- creates a positive connection between people that while light-hearted and even seemingly superficial, is a meaningful and useful form of socializing

- potentially forms a key part of all relationships, from the closest of friendships and partnerships to one-time encounters in our daily activities

- communicates safety, trust, high-value (from within one's self) and positive regard (towards others)

What does vibing look, sound and feel like, inside and out?

- lots of humour, in the forms of feigned misunderstanding, non-malicious teasing, exaggeration, absurdity

- continuous flow of words and feeling

- can begin and end at any time, as social energy dictates

- little regard for linearity or directedness of conversation -- non-sequiturs are the norm, no conversational thread absolutely requires closure or completeness

- a minimum of self-consciousness and mental chatter

- no worry what other people will think

- little to no conscious consideration about taking too much space, interrupting, changing the subject, and other "conversational rules"

- shared positive feelings of the moment naturally create safe boundaries

- subject changes are motivated by a positive flow or feeling of push towards a new direction

- physical feelings of joy, ease, good-humour, expansiveness

- no sense of grasping, but rather following good feelings and trains of association wherever they go

- frankness and honesty can spontaneously arise, space for "deep" or important sharing within the frame of ease and casual connection

What conditions make vibing possible?

- high self-regard

- lack of self-consciousness

- relaxation of expectations

- trust and affection for others

- openness

- enjoying surprise and unpredictability

- completing essential tasks and being responsible in other areas of life (vibing as reward or refreshment; difficult to vibe in a healthy way if distracted by unfinished business)

- playfulness

- unstructured time with others

- or: for incidental momentary connections, as with clerks, people on the metro, etc., willingness to allow breathing space in the structure

- while vibing can sometimes be consciously encouraged and initiated, in general it cannot be forced, must be allowed to happen (thus encouraging and guiding us to create the foundations in our lives that naturally foster it)

Vibing: because you can't plan this kind of nonsense

Happy vibing!