Ben Digs Life

One of my favourite games of 2011

2012-01-12T13:25:00.000-05:00

I got back into computer/video games in a whole new way this past year, and one of my favourite new discoveries is this little gem. Enjoy --

Back in Action

2012-01-12T13:07:00.000-05:00

Well, it's 2012 CE and I am back on the internet dot com.

As some of you may have noticed, my blog was briefly accessible only to authorized users. This was due to a slightly panicky shutdown following the posting of my last post. I suddenly doubted both the veracity of what I was saying in that post, and my willingness to share it with the world. (I mean, literally, potentially, the world. Still a feat of imagination to remember this.) I may yet go over to a slightly restricted access model for this blog, so as to feel less foolish and more secure posting my personal thoughts when I actually have a pretty good idea who I want to read them, and who is interested, by the by.

Anyways, reading over that last post again today, I see that though there is good spots re: overcommitment, I was pretty much on the money in my doubts -- namely, that I was in an overreaction mode as I finished up the incredibly challenging and Resistance-provoking task of the semester and the BA more broadly.

The BA was like a 3 year bootcamp for me. That's a long bootcamp. Bootcamp is where you are pushed way beyond any possibility of comfort, regularity, balance, or even normal (self-)discipline. You are supposed to break, at least a little.

When you come through, you say to yourself: Well now I can do anything.

So yes, what I wrote in my last post about autonomy and the impossibility of living harmoniously during my BA was true, I think, but also: that's the terrain. It sucks, but life isn't always easy. For goodness' sake, I have been so immensely blessed in my life, it's okay to have some metaphorical 'warzones' sometimes.

Should university, and the undergraduate experience, be structured in such a way as to "break" brilliant if soft-spined students like myself? Probably not. It's hardly an ideal educational environment.

But stepping back from ideals for a moment: I want education, I want vocation, I want schooling and smarts and experiences that the BA will help me get. (I've applied to a Master's degree, and if not this one, I'll almost certainly take another at some point in the near future.) I needed -- I mean, my mind needed to get jiggy with the scientific method, with cultural studies, with history, with psychological theory, with philosophy and classics and cognitive science. And in the deeply flawed pedagogical universe we live in, McGill is not such a bad place to get down.

So!

Coming out of school is a thaw, a physical, emotional, creative thaw. The shackles are loosened, the blinders are removed (these I wish I'd put on earlier in the process, really, the better to charge on through), and I'm a little unsteady on my feet... I've been here before, but what... is this place??

(Over)Commitment, Completion and Internal Regulation: Some Thoughts As The End (of my BA) Draws Nigh

2011-12-04T21:48:00.008-05:00

One of the things I've learned from reflecting on my Bachelor's degree experience is that commitment is a powerful thing, and as such should be applied with care and caution.

In fact, I've had the tendency to overcommit in a number of areas in my life. I judge this has been a way I've attempted to reduce uncertainty and its accompanying anxiety. However, overcommitment is by definition a maladaptive strategy, trying to reduce anxiety about x by achieving a kind of superficial, often willful, certainty about y.

Commitment is powerful in part, I believe, because to back down from a commitment is a difficult process that can have a draining effect on one's senses of self-esteem and self-efficacy. Following through on even a non-intrinsically satisfying commitment however, excepting perhaps extreme cases where more fundamental values would have to be sacrificed to do so, results in a sense of strength, (healthy, moderate) pride, and an influx of motivational energy.

I overcommitted to taking this Bachelor's of Arts degree.

I am glad that I am finishing it, because at this juncture of my life, completion is the higher value -- but this was not a holistically made commitment, and despite many wonderful educational experiences, and the vast enriching of my mind and character that I have been able to milk from the past 3 years, carrying it out has come at a cost of tremendous effort in order to fulfill external expectations.

Sometimes this seems so wasteful I practically want to cry. (So much energy and time and willpower exerted for ends that I will forget and put behind me as soon as I can. Pieces of a finite life spent for naught.)

Because I was committed and intensely engaged with an endeavour that was in many ways not a harmonious fit with my temperament, interests and abilities it has been impossible to live a balanced life during this time.

In order to fulfill the expectations of the school program in a way which is even moderately satisfying to me, I have had to constantly work against not only my lesser nature ("ego", Resistance) and weak spots (discipline, perseverance, faith) -- both of which are essential to any worthy undertaking -- but also fight against some of my strengths and natural proclivities (a tendency to learn things thoroughly, a desire to master one or two areas at a time). I've also had little experience of teaching others or offering service coming out of my BA, which I hope I will be able to correct in future years to some degree.

The sense of being out of control and out of harmony with my instrinsic interests and motivations, particularly before I was able to understand it as such, and as necessary to the undertaking I had committed to, was often extraordinarily painful and wasteful, and put me at odds with myself.

This being at odds with myself with regards to school made it difficult to pursue harmony and autonomy in other areas of my life. (Though that may be a chicken/egg thing.)

In this last semester I have come to some amount of peace with this disharmony: I know it is impossible to pursue a balanced life while I am focusing on school, so I am "riding it out", not wasting too much energy fighting to make things "perfect". I also know it is temporary, and over VERY soon now.

Finally, in these past 3 months I came to a new level of maturity in my ability to self-discipline, to manage my time and energy. I was quite undeveloped in these areas during most of my degree, and I believe this had a major compound effect with the issues of extrinsic regulation and disharmony mentioned above.

I expect I will be happy and proud of my achievements when I finish this degree and graduate. This will be the first major project I have completed since getting into McGill's music program in 2002. I have become a more powerful thinker and writer in these four years, deepened and broadened my understandings of history, culture, fiction, society, politics, psychology, reasoning and philosophy. I've read great books, articles, watched great films, and encountered a few stunningly brilliant professors.

I think I might regret the experience too, at least for a while. As I've reflected so far this final semester I've had moments of profound regret that I did not choose a different path. Before choosing to transfer to Arts, I was thinking to pursue my personal projects in music and writing, which is awfully close to what I look forward to beginning again in earnest when my degree is finished. (Martial arts is there now too, but I started down that road just a few weeks later.)

Who knows, perhaps given a bit more time I would have chosen to do a degree like this anyways, but would have been doing it for more autonomous reasons; or done it part-time and been able to live a more balanced life along the way? In any case, I hope these sometimes regretful musings become fruitful contributions to my future decision-making.

So: my task in the next phase of my life is to foster new habits of slowly investigating any commitments before making them, endeavouring to commit to projects which are maximally harmonized with my intrisic interests, sense of purpose and meaning, and values.

Of course these new commitments will be challenging -- deeply so -- but the overcoming of challenges which are harmonized with my strengths, interests and values will bring me more satisfaction, and I suspect almost automatically make me more able to serve and contribute (at very least because these are some of my core values).

Let's go looking for the all green lights.

My top four personal development practices

2011-09-30T20:24:00.012-04:00

There are a million different ways to "work on yourself", and improve your life. I've tried a lot of them.

Here are my current top three, top-level -- meaning high-concept and/or broad scope of impact -- personal development practices:

1. Prayer.

Lately I've been practicing regularly, and taken in by the power of, the type of prayer which goes something like this:

"O Great Creator, O Father God, O Spirit of the Universe, please guide me to do that which serves the higher interests of the whole world. How can I help bring about a world of peace, abundance, love, joy and justice? How can I, a miniscule cell among billions, best be of service to the body of humanity? Guide me, O God!"

And then listen.

And then act, with resolve and faith (trust).

The prayers and mystic writings of the Baha'i figures (Baha'u'llah, 'Abdu'l-Baha, the Bab) are powerful elixir, and I imbibe regularly.

The Tablet of Ahmad, designated by Baha'u'llah as being of particular potency, is one I say whenever I can do so with full heart and intention (when I have the thirst, time and attention), and I have a developing awe of it, and reverence for its influence on me. In the times in past years when I have used it regularly (practiced it), my life has been enriched and I have felt guided and nurtured.

I feel I must emphasize this: prayer is a testable and practical tool. It can be proven to one's self, by one's actions and experiences, in the secret lab of your inner world. And its power seen in the outer world too.

2. Reading Steve Pavlina. (And reflecting.)

I just finished reading two Steve Pavlina articles, and for each I went and made a couple notes, brief summaries which rapidly expanded into fruitful reflections on important areas of my own personal development.

Pavlina mentions that his 7 year anniversary of blogging is approaching. I've been reading him since 2005 (so 6 years now), and no year has passed when my heart, mind, body and spirit have not benefitted from the inspiration, encouragement, techniques and example offered in his writing.

(Nota bene: Earlier this year I was inspired to begin praying as above, by this Pavlina article [it's a long one; for the bit that really got me, see the heading "Receiving Guidance", about 2/3rds of the way down]. In hindsight this was a turning point in my spiritual life, which since then has been steadily, gradually and significantly rejuvenated. Thanks, Steve!)

3. Practicing Steve Kushner's 'Emotional Mastery' exercises.

Steve Kushner is a middle-aged paper salesman and business owner, an eccentric, a joker, a kind and generous man -- and a wizard of personal development. I'm lucky to consider him a friend and mentor.

His Emotional Mastery (aka Emotional Circuitry) program is the fruit of his vast body of experience in the "men's work" and recovery fields over the past couple decades; that is to say, of his own personal journey and concurrent reading, writing and facilitating. ("Praxis" at its finest.)

The basic outline is that our emotional experience can be understood under seven general categories (Joy, Grief, Anger, Depression, Fear, Guilt and Shame), each of functions as a signal to teach us something about ourselves. E.g.: Anger teaches us "to take responsibility so that we can set limits and goals"; Fear teaches us "about risks and opportunities so that we can make informed decisions".

At face value alone the concepts are interesting, but the power of this material is that it includes a question and answer process for each emotional category, which explores the function of the emotion from different angles, and implies or outright asks what actions we will change, stop, or take for the first time. And in my experience, the actions have proven the concepts and my insights correct, without fail.

This is eminently practical stuff. A toolkit for emotional literacy, and, in time, with practice, emotional mastery. Meaning being sensitive to, deeply understanding, and acting upon our inborn emotional wisdom fluently and automatically; bringing consciousness and skilfulness to the raw guidance of our emotional world.

Steve's work assumes that our collective norms of understanding emotion in 21st century North America are superficial, erroneous and disempowering, and defines, or rather guides us to and illuminates, a deeper, truer and more functional comprehension of our emotional life.

I've been working with these simple concepts and techniques this summer and fall, during times of intense emotion and confusion, and the small time and energy invested has paid huge dividends of self-knowledge and insight into the conditions of my life, allowing me to make new and more effective choices.

I've used them during four particularly tough spots (Anger, Anger, Shame and Anger |-p), and in each case the change in perspective they engendered was so extreme as to be disorienting. Suddenly, what felt like an emotional shit-storm was transformed into an opportunity to learn a valuable lesson, save myself wasted energy, and make new choices that were immediately empowering (literally, in the sense that I became able to do more of what works for me).

That's why, even though I am in the early stages of working with these tools, I am putting them in my top four.

4. Silent meditation.

Sitting cross-legged, eyes closed, allowing thoughts to come and go while resting the attention on the body.

This practice calms my mind (partially by giving it time to run through the backlog of ideas, memories and questions that can pile up), strengthens my spine and core muscles, and connects me to my body and senses in a wonderfully refreshing way.

Sometimes, after weeks of consistent practice, it has allowed me to experience remarkable moments of empty-mindedness, presence and/or a sort of transcendent joy....

I have tried a number of types of meditation, and they each have their benefits, but even at a physiological level, this style seems by far the most beneficial for my constitution and/or habitual condition.

Diluting Sex

2011-09-02T17:12:00.000-04:00

For those men among us who both:

have a sexual relationship

and

watch TV

or

watch movies

or

music videos

or

live in an urban centre and are thus exposed in our daily activities to

massive quantities of advertising

and

hundreds of women wearing sexualized clothing,

imagine:

how much more potent, precious and lovely the private sight of our woman's body would be without this inundation of sexual imagery diluting our attention.

Constant snacking on empty sexual calories can only make us appreciate less our actual opportunities for sexual nourishment.

Social Dynamics: Vibing

2011-08-27T12:44:00.003-04:00

This non-sequitur is just to get you in the mood

Perhaps the single most valuable concept I learned from my dallying in the world of pickup is that of vibing.

Owen Cook ("Tyler Durden"), of Real Social Dynamics, describes vibing as a non-linear form of conversation, a free-flow of social energy between two or more people that cleanses out the system, dissipitating frustration and other psychic fatigue effects of our daily struggles, and/or of excess self-consciousness.

When we vibe we relax our expectations, humour comes easily and free-flowing associations carry the conversation from here to there and back again. Vibing is not about content -- the medium is the message, and the message is a feeling of freedom, playfulness and light and easy connection.

Some people, through accidents of birth and environment, end up better at vibing than others, but I am living proof that it can be learned.

I used to hold so much importance on linearity of conversation; was so attached to the quality and relevance of content, to "having a good conversation"; had so much fear of "making a mistake" and being rejected; in short, I was so barricaded in self-consciousness that vibing was almost impossible.

The only people I could occasionally manage it was with my family -- we share a unique sense of humour and conversational style, and my rejection sensitivity was less of an issue there. (And in general we all have familiar groups or spaces where vibing is a well-established mode.) But for years, with peers, acquaintances, and many friends, I was usually stiff, guarded, linear, stuck. This was disastrous for my social experiences, and thus for my self-concept, self-esteem and even my physical health.

Now I am able to play with it, use it as a tool, consciously shift into a vibing space if I realize I need that kind of energy shift or am falling into old patterns; I notice myself being playful and easy with peers, new friends, clerks, attractive women, respected teachers, strangers, aunts and uncles, housemates -- groups of people with whom, for various reasons, I used to be expecially uptight.

Vibing is one of those things that many people learn naturally, and so it's invisible to them. But if for whatever reason, it isn't learned naturally, it has to be made conscious. The foundation of understanding, beliefs and habits has to be created in order for it to be possible, be initiated, arise, and in time become as natural (and possibly much more potent) as for those who never had to consciously learn it. To begin, just a conscious understanding that non-linear conversation is both normal and useful can be a godsend for the headier among us.

She seems to have no problems letting the energy flow

Below are some effects, attributes and prerequisites for vibing.

What does vibing do?

- fosters an atmosphere of ease and relaxation

- cleanses the energy system -- though I can't describe how, experience shows that it literally changes our physiology

- wipes away senses of loneliness, frustration, confusion & stress -- distracts us long enough for those feelings and thoughts to lose momentum and significance

- creates a positive connection between people that while light-hearted and even seemingly superficial, is a meaningful and useful form of socializing

- potentially forms a key part of all relationships, from the closest of friendships and partnerships to one-time encounters in our daily activities

- communicates safety, trust, high-value (from within one's self) and positive regard (towards others)

What does vibing look, sound and feel like, inside and out?

- lots of humour, in the forms of feigned misunderstanding, non-malicious teasing, exaggeration, absurdity

- continuous flow of words and feeling

- can begin and end at any time, as social energy dictates

- little regard for linearity or directedness of conversation -- non-sequiturs are the norm, no conversational thread absolutely requires closure or completeness

- a minimum of self-consciousness and mental chatter

- no worry what other people will think

- little to no conscious consideration about taking too much space, interrupting, changing the subject, and other "conversational rules"

- shared positive feelings of the moment naturally create safe boundaries

- subject changes are motivated by a positive flow or feeling of push towards a new direction

- physical feelings of joy, ease, good-humour, expansiveness

- no sense of grasping, but rather following good feelings and trains of association wherever they go

- frankness and honesty can spontaneously arise, space for "deep" or important sharing within the frame of ease and casual connection

What conditions make vibing possible?

- high self-regard

- lack of self-consciousness

- relaxation of expectations

- trust and affection for others

- openness

- enjoying surprise and unpredictability

- completing essential tasks and being responsible in other areas of life (vibing as reward or refreshment; difficult to vibe in a healthy way if distracted by unfinished business)

- playfulness

- unstructured time with others

- or: for incidental momentary connections, as with clerks, people on the metro, etc., willingness to allow breathing space in the structure

- while vibing can sometimes be consciously encouraged and initiated, in general it cannot be forced, must be allowed to happen (thus encouraging and guiding us to create the foundations in our lives that naturally foster it)

Vibing: because you can't plan this kind of nonsense

Happy vibing!

What the PUAs Gave Me

2011-08-27T05:03:00.006-04:00

City life, birth and decay.

In 2008 after a tremendous heartbreak/breakup I found myself shell-shocked and back in Dad's basement. An old acquaintance rode with me to Caledonia Easter, and on the way started talking about this "success-with-women" stuff he was into.

Turns out it was "pickup". Seminars on how to become a pick-up artist. New stuff, a whole new underground field opening up.

I was skeptical but intrigued. Some of the things the guys were saying were insightful, even revelatory. About how attraction works. And some of the stuff -- about the common mistakes guys make in love and lust and relationships -- rang eerily, uncomfortably, and sometimes hilariously true.

Within a couple weeks I had listened through one of the more famous "success with women" teachers 20 hour programs twice and was beginning a third run. I couldn't get enough. The speaker was quirky and awkward at times, but he was human, funny, relatable, and clearly spoke from real depth of experience and thinking.

And up until quite recently, I continued to be a frequent eavesdropper on the world of "pickup" (and its increasingly mature, holistic and non-greasy offshoots and maturations [see David D]), finding what I could in it that worked for me, enjoying a young-men's take on personal development that so much of it is....

What hooked me so completely in those first few weeks was watching my understanding of that horrible breakup -- and other awkwardnesses and bumblings and heartbreaks -- turn inside out and backwards. I wasn't a screw-up, I had just screwed up. This was a technical issue, not a fundamental flaw in my being. I had been doing my gosh-darned best, but I had no frigging idea what I was doing.

Like this guy. Sort of...

Who had I learned about this from after all, this being a man with women, this being a sexual being, this attraction and flirting and being in relationship? TV and movies? (As Tyler puts it: "I know now! You're the one!") Love songs? ("I can't breathe without you / I'm literally dying here / wow my lips are turning blue / somebody call 911 cause I actually can't seem to live without you / this is like an anaphylactic issue or something.") My dad, close-lipped, terse and declamatory on such matters? My religious community, trying to reinvent the wheel and suffering major divorce rates? The teachings of the Baha'i Faith, noble, inspiring, lofty and admirable, but hard to comprehend through the cultural and moral remove from my daily experience? My girlfriends, just trying to figure out their own side of the puzzle? My mom, ebullient and with deep-hearted reflections to share, but still recovering from two marriages gone awry? My former stepfather, so twisted by his wounds that he self-justified doing emotional and physical violence to women??

Damn it!

I needed a hand, some technical knowledge from someone who had been where I was, and was somewhere much better now; someone who had learned this stuff from the inside out, a sensei or at least a senpai (senior student) or few.

Dapper dudes to the rescue!

And so it's been an incredible journey over the past three years and more, one I'm beginning to look back on: a phase is ending. Even though, aside from one fateful night in Trois-Pistoles, QC, I never really "did the pick-up thing" (the top guys reccomending going out as much as 7 nights a week to meet women, practice skills and SARGE!); and that in retrospect, for my moral and spiritual health, I'm glad I didn't; and that I still have a lot of room to grow in my social skills, mastery of masculine polarity, and savoir-faire vis-a-vis the fairer sex -- still, my encounter with pickup was a watershed moment.

Easter 2008: Dark, dark, dark. My self-esteem and my self-image in relationship to women, and had almost no capacity to simply make friends and have fun with people. These are essential factors in emotional and psychological and even physical health; research has shown all this, but I know it inside out. I was hiding from the world and almost the only social contact I got was with my family, which, more often than not, drove me absolutely bonkers.

Fast forward to August 2011: I'm a week short of a year living in a house with five roommates, and daily enjoy joking around and getting to know them. We share food, stories, music, chores and house decisions. Through their social circles, I've met a couple dozen new people, and have some good acquaintanceships and budding friendships there too. One of my roommates is my brother, and our friendship is one of the best I've ever had -- funny (deliriously so at times), frank, creative, intellectually stimulating.

I have friends and mentors and collaborators through the men's groups I've been working with (another three-year strong adventure there, and I could say many similar things about that experience as I've said for this one); a dozen and more great acquaintanceships and two budding friendships with funny, frank francophones through Budo Montreal; every few weeks I hang with a great gang of holistic health practitioners, and building friendships there; and I'm recently member of a six-member band, great musicians, Baha'is, and kind, funny people.... Et cetera.

And while I list these accomplishments and relationships with great pride, I don't pretend it's anything more than "normal" or "average" (those words have never tasted so sweet), and I know -- I feel it in my bones -- that there's still big room to grow in friendships, connection and social abundance.

But wait!

Last but not least, I also have had a two-year-plus relationship with a beautiful, loving, sweetheart of a woman. While rocky and tumultuous, this has been a source of growth, healing and delight for both of us. Even as we have recently shifted it away from a girlfriend-boyfriend model, and towards a chaste, supportive, loving friendship, it's become stronger and healthier than ever.

And that, my friends, is perhaps a little better than normal. :-)

A warehouse of wins.

If I had to pick one big win from this whole experience, it would be this:

God willing, and if I stay true (to myself, to righteousness, to the practice of love and truth), I will never have a "tremendous breakup" again. Can you imagine the relief, the confidence, the healing and gratitude? The sheer joy and freedom that brings??

In only three years!

The world of pickup and 'success with women' is fraught with ethical and moral peril, but in this tumultuous age, when religion seems dead and hypocrisy is the order of the day, there are good men there, doing their best to grow and develop and being HONEST, thank God. ("Be thou of the people of hellfire, but be not a hypocrite.")

I found within that world vital, life-giving tools and understandings; challenge, insight and self-knowledge; helping hands, inspiring stories and a lot of laughs.

For all that I am eternally grateful.

Thanks, PUAs!

Slug Story

2011-08-06T20:56:00.005-04:00

Making a lunch plate of vegetables and cheese and peanuts, I picked the celery out of the fridge and snapped off a stalk. It was dirty and also I saw what appeared to be a small slug. "This has been in the fridge for, let's see... almost two weeks. It must be dead." But instead of flicking it into the garbage can I just gave the stalk a rinse under the tap. Coming back to the sink a few minutes later, I saw the slug had not washed away but caught in a dish, and it was moving? "He's alive!" I put down what I was doing and flicked my finger to scoop him from the water. And yes, there he was, slightly squirming and bending on my fingertip. I pulled him outside and found a broad leaf...

Can you imagine the resilience and the desire for life?

Robbie Sinclair & The Beggars Laughing

2011-07-17T23:48:00.003-04:00

http://www.facebook.com/robbiesinclairandthebeggarslaughing

So I went to see this band play tonight.

It's a tough sell, all original songs, I've never heard one of them.

I sat through two sets and an encore, 2+ hours of music, and fully enjoyed myself. Even ecstatic at a couple points (where Luke's rippin guitar solos took us all away...).

These guys can PLAY, they can play TOGETHER, they are full of LOVE, and Robbie's lyrics are spiritual yet don't suck whatsoever (sincere, grounded).

So yeah, I knew the guys as people a little bit (a camping trip weekend with a big gang), so I was fond of them going in. And I knew they could get around their instruments.

But this was magic music-making, heart and soul. THANKS BOYS.

Personal Development Theme for the Year: Completion

2011-07-13T15:09:00.005-04:00

stick to the game plan
suivez le plan du match

The theme says: carrying things through to completion is a power in itself, and feeds energy back from the task, carries into the next goal or movement, provides perspective, pride, self-respect and boosts to self-efficacy, provides the large portion of the results in many cases, fosters discipline, defragments the attention & spirit, cautions against easy early commitment (knowing "I must complete it" including the dragging bits which are inevitable), casts eye back to unfinished tasks and goals, visions and dreams set aside because of fear or shame or simple chaos and its distraction....

Retreat!!

2011-05-18T11:07:00.005-04:00

What's behind Door Number One?

So I find myself "in retreat" for much of the last bunch of weeks, which means taking a step back, scratching my head, cursing, moaning, remembering, cheering, collapsing in exhaustion, waking up, and getting myself back on track.

Not necessarily in that order, or any immediately discernible one. Mix and match and stew. Repeat as necessary.

Thus grand vision posts of year-past and year-to-come are withheld until further notice. I.e.: "When it's finished."

For now, enjoy this vision of ass-kicking moderation:

The mark of a moderate man
is freedom from his own ideas.
Tolerant like the sky,
all-pervading like sunlight,
firm like a mountain,
supple like a tree in the wind,
he has no destination in view
and makes use of anything
life happens to bring his way.
- Tao Te Ching

Year in Review - Balance (Part 1)

2011-04-30T08:44:00.006-04:00

Spring comes late in Montreal, so here I am, a few weeks after the equinox again this year, chiming in on the past year in light of my chosen theme: balance.

This post is a riff on some ways of thinking about balance that I picked up from Chinese medicine, and are becoming increasingly useful for me. I'll follow up in the next few days with a post on my experience working with balance this past year, and then a post on my theme for the year to come.

Balance: Centred in the Heart

In traditional Chinese medicine (which I'm familiar with via my acupressure training), balance is defined as a dynamic interplay between different forces/organs/energy systems. Each system, or organ, has psychological & physical dimensions. The heart (also sometimes called shen) is at the centre of this system of systems, which is none other than the body-mind of a human being.

Much like ancient Western conceptions of the mind (and some traditional Native American views, I believe), in Chinese medicine the heart is seen as the proper home base for our spirit. When we are in balance, the heart is protected, nourished, purified and advised by the other energy systems of the body-mind, and is the source of all commands. There's a whole metaphor of a sort of palace court with "officials", with the heart as emperor or empress.

So when we're in balance, we do what we do on the word of the heart. And when someone else starts running the show we are out of balance.

Pushed Off Centre

Out-of-balance can take many forms. Psychologically it could look like constant anger, self-judgment, excess thinking or speaking, dominating fear, doing our "shoulds" instead of our truest, deepest understanding of what's right for us, or just going through the motions of life. Being out of balance means being stuck in one emotional or mental state, and having blockages or stuckness in our bodies, too. Out-of-balance bodies are dis-eased.

But what gets us there? Overemphasis on any single emotional (or physical) state can do it, and that usually has to do with misaligned ideas or beliefs of some kind. We think we have to be afraid, or it's better to be angry, in order to keep us safe or to get what we want or to be loved (or to avoid being loved!). And so we hold onto those emotions and cultivate them with our thoughts.

We can also be pushed off course by the messages we receive from others. Of course, this is really just a corollary of the first point, because in order for anyone to influence us, we have to take it in and make it our own. But as children this is the natural and necessary thing to do. Part of the work of maturity then is to build up some healthy defenses and work out our own values and desires so we're not pushed this way and that by every passing breeze. Another way of saying this is that we must grow some roots at and into our centre.

Finally, physical influences, including diet, posture, breath, pathogens, climate and the balance of exertion and rest, all have their effects on the body-mind system. I believe there's something fundamentally "us" about each of us, but our personalities change with our physical condition. Sometimes a great deal. If we are tired, sick, and slumped over as general habits, these will all act to throw us out of balance emotionally too -- away from the peacefulness and wisdom of our heart.

It's A Cliche Because It's True!

As I was writing, I realized a lot of this can sound awfully cliche and empty -- "just follow your heart"!

And it's true that on it's own, "follow your heart" is not that useful. There's just not enough information there. But after a few years of exposure to the ideas of Chinese medicine, and taking on various practices, these cliches are becoming grounded for me. They tie into my experience, and vice versa.

It feels like something to be centred in the heart, and like something else to be subtly (or not so subtly!) pulled towards anger or fear -- or to have tight hip joints, or tense shoulders. It's like learning a whole new spectrum of colours and shades for the sensations of your body.

So if this all sounds a bit hokey, I hope you can give me the benefit of the doubt: this is practical, useful stuff!

But what do we use it for?

The Goal is Peace

When we're centred in our hearts, when shen is in command, we are peaceful, vibrant and creative. We flow through the challenges and opportunities of our life with ease.

We will not always be "happy", walking around with big goofy smiles and hugging everyone. That's a caricature of "enlightenment" -- it's out of balance, a rigid stuckness in joy. Instead, a quiet, peaceful kind of joy becomes the background and default position.

From this background our emotions -- including joy, anger, sadness, fear, guilt and shame -- arise and dissipate naturally. All these emotions have functions and carry messages. Once these are received by the heart and taken into account (and whatever necessary action taken), they can be let go. None of them dominates us.

Our bodies will flow easier, too. And we can work with our bodies to cultivate this heart-centred balance. This is one of the principles of various kinds of holistic bodywork, including the acupressure tradition I'm familiar with. By addressing the blocks in the body, we are addressing the emotional and mental stuck points. Just bringing awareness to some kind of stuckness can do wonders.

Other body trainings also work to bring us into alignment with our hearts. This is what yoga, martial arts and qi gong can do. Arguably, it's what they're for. By cultivating uprightness, strength, suppleness, fluidity, (physical) balance, and by using our attention to bring our minds and bodies into alignment, our emotions and thinking become more upright, supple and balanced too.

Ordering the Kingdom

When we put the heart at the centre, giving shen it's rightful place of command, we get spontaneous compassion, contentment, gratitude and peacefulness. Like Confucius' righteous king, a righteous heart creates an ordered "kingdom" (our body-mind) through its presence and character alone.

This year I started to recognize who was on the throne at any given time. Still a rapid rate of coup-d'etats and counter-revolutions, and the gentle King Shen sure took his licks, but recognition is a good step for cultivating better balance.

Transmission in Ninjutsu Teaching: A Special Case of Mentoring

2011-03-29T17:24:00.008-04:00

Mentoring is an essential, powerful element in personal development. I use a comparison to the concept of "transmission" in ninjutsu -- a model of knowledge, skill and authourity transfer that shares much in common with other traditional Eastern practices -- to help elaborate what mentoring is all about.

Direct, Personal and Intimate Teaching as "Transmission"

In certain arts and practices, there is a pedagogical tradition of "transmission" from master to disciple. This seems to be more common in Eastern culture, eg. in yoga, zen, and koryu (traditional Japanese martial arts).

This mode of teaching, with its strict hierarchies, concern for lineage, and mystical overtones, can really rankle with North American values (egalitarianism; novelty and revolution; rationalism), or at the very least seem awfully foreign. This can lead to both rejection and hyperadoption. ("Don't be more Japanese than the Japanese," says sensei Meunier.)

There's a lot of interesting stuff to explore in and around the idea of transmission idea, and I look forward to exploring a lot of it. For this post, though, I'll use it as an exotic and specialized example of what mentoring is and how it works.

Like mentors, senseis are further along the path. They've been where you are, and have what you want.

(Note: For the ninjutsu parts of this post, I am following Stephane Meunier from pages 45-46 of Kihon no Izen . All credit for accurate ninjutsu information goes to him; further interpretations and any attendant mistakes are my own.)

Ninjutsu Transmission as an Analogy to Personal Growth Mentoring

"A real transmission is done in three parts and directly from master to disciple. You must have a direct and personal relationship with the master to have access to any transmission."
- Kihon no Izen, Stephane Meunier

In my last post, I talked about the strengths of using books, DVDs and seminars for personal development -- and the crucial aspects that are left out when mentoring isn't part of the mix.

This issue is a hot topic in and around ninjutsu. There are some really poor examples of ninjutsu teachers and practitioners out there, and part of the issue is an over-reliance on books, DVDs and seminars, and a corresponding lack of direct teaching and mentorship. More specifically, for people claiming to be qualified authentic teachers of ninjutsu, a lack of "a real transmission... directly from master to disciple". (Note that there's a difference between being a student and being a 'disciple'. Exactly what that difference is will have to wait for another post.)

What is so important about this "direct and personal relationship"? What is communicated (transmitted) there that can't be through indirect means?

Though there are many books and DVDs with good and interesting information about ninjutsu and other martial arts, it's perhaps obvious that these alone will not allow someone to learn the art with any coherence, integrity or depth, no matter how hard they train. Physical experience and direct coaching are necessary to learn an art that depends on how you move your body in space.

Though it's a little less obvious, the same principles apply in personal development -- there is only so much that can be learned without a direct, personal relationship with one or more mentors. Transmission is concerned with the very intense, somewhat secretive and almost sacred relationship between a master and his one or more (but not many more...) disciples. Not all mentoring relationships need be anywhere near as intense as all that, but they do need to be "direct and personal" for the same reasons that a master/disciple relationship does.

The Three Ways of Transmission

In the ninjutsu tradition, there are three aspects to the transmission of the art: kuden (oral transmission), taiden (body transmission) and shinden (spirit transmission).

Let's see why each aspect of transmission is necessary, and how this maps onto personal development.

Kuden

Oral transmission is the terms, concepts, explanations, and instructions of the teacher. If they've published a book, or produced articles or videos, some of this information is available elsewhere. But in an ongoing relationship, the information given by the teacher is inevitably tailored to the student at that moment, in context.

The effect of timing alone on integrating information is just one obvious benefit of personal instruction.

In personal development terms, even a half-decent mentor will inevitably speak to you in ways that address your current situation and needs, sometimes just in the spirit of the moment without their intending to do so.

Taiden

Body transmission in ninjutsu has to do with experiencing the techniques, i.e.: the teacher performing them on you (in a non-injuring way). It's surprising sometimes the effect this can have -- it can be inspiring, frightening, and spark real insight into the art.

What does this look like in a personal development context? All personal development concepts and skills relate directly or indirectly to our interactions with others. Some, like confidence, presence, honesty can look very different in practice than we imagine.

And there are some skills, like emotional facilitation, or active listening, that (like martial arts techniques) imply an interaction between two or more people. So body transmission could be considered especially relevant in personal development when a mentor or teacher uses a technique or facilitates us directly, i.e.: we experience what it's like to be a participant in, and perhaps on the receiving end of, some ability they have.

Shinden

To quote Sensei Meunier again, "This is the part of the transmission that goes beyond words. It is used to describe the bond between the master and the disciple. It's a way for the master to show his student without showing."

Putting aside anything mystical for the time being, spirit transmission could simply mean all the additional information that our minds can glean from an intimate interaction (where we are open and 'all ears'; see my last post). Our non-conscious minds pick up many times more information than we process consciously, and direct, personal interactions simply have more data on most channels than a DVD or book can communicate.

Another way of seeing spirit transmission is as the subtle, powerful impact that people have on us as we spend time with them. We become like those we associate with. When they're people we admire, and who have powers and presence that go beyond our own, the influence can go very deep.

The Case for Mentoring, One More Time!

This is where mentoring becomes absolutely indispensable. This is the part of transmission that is least present in any indirect relationship or communication. With verbal instruction and technical know-how, one could make an argument that it's possible to glean them from books and DVDs and the occasional seminar.

And with any great teacher we admire, it's easy to feel a connection to them. But no matter how much we feel an author or speaker is "really speaking to us", or sense their presence in their work (and I feel both of these often), this does not make it a direct relationship. On the one hand, there's feeling someone's presence in a book or blog post they write, perhaps shaking hands with them after a seminar appearance, or even doing an interview with them.

Now imagine seeing that teacher, mentor or sensei regularly for years, getting to know their quirks, and them yours, eating meals with them, sharing long car rides, feeling their presence in a room every time you walk in, knowing they're watching your behaviour, and that they care about your progress -- yes: yours, personally...

How could this not make a difference in how (and what) you learn from them?

(PS: The heading for this section may be misleading: this is definitely not the last time I'll be making the case for mentoring. :-) )

Mentoring & Personal Development

2011-03-26T06:15:00.003-04:00

A mentor is someone who because of greater personal wisdom or experience, can offer us words, deeds and counsels that guide us along our path -- and even help us define our path in the first place.

The ManKind Project (MKP) can perhaps best be described as a men's mentoring organization. I've been involved with MKP for almost three years now, but in the last six months of my involvement, mentoring has really come into focus for me. I see mentoring as an aspect of many of my relationships (in all areas of my life). Through MKP and two brother organizations (Boys to Men and Shadow Healing), I've had the good fortune to learn a lot more about mentoring as a concept and practice, as well as meet and spend time with two men in particular who've had a strong impact on me.

These mentoring relationships have deepened my personal growth work. I'm beginning to appreciate the power of mentoring, and think a lot about why it's so powerful.

Book Learnin'

The business of personal development is made possible by mass-distribution of books, audio and video programs -- and of course by blogs! -- and to a lesser extent by public teaching events (seminars and conferences).

This mass distribution and relatively low-commitment, highly-accessible teaching events has some incredible strengths. There is an amazing body of knowledge that is publicly and (with libraries and the internet) easily accessible. I believe that much of the knowledge publicly available today has been the purview of what in most eras of history has been considered "magic". And much of it is simply new, the product of the knowledge explosion of the past 150 years or so.

A lot of the information is good, some excellent, and much of it can be applied and experienced simply by reading and trying a few exercises on one's own.

But there's a piece of the puzzle missing, and that's where mentoring comes in.

Grounding the Information, Rounding it Out

Mentoring makes things real. If they can do it, so can I. Our brains are wired for social life, and while books and videos can tap into this, they are no substitute for live, personal experience.

When that experience is an intimate one (as in both parties sharing something of themself beyond the social facade), the learning impact is deeper. Our mind will process something intimate at a deeper level -- it has more of us in it. There is more at risk, more openness. We feel it more, our attention is focussed and intense.

By giving me a forum to meet a wide variety of exemplars, including some I consider mentors, my involvement with men's work has accelerated my personal development. My book learning and ideals are increasingly grounded in living examples of the abilities and qualities I'm cultivating -- be it social dominance, business success, a rich family life, courage and resilience, emotional mastery, group facilitation and leadership, discipline or generosity of spirit.

Also, there's some things that books & videos can't touch, and the ones I'm reading often don't even try. What it's like, for example, to see someone you look up to, and is teaching you, go deep into their emotions, their vulnerability and speak a truth that is hard for them to admit. To see that no matter how much I admire them, they are human, imperfect, struggling, and that's totally fine.

By validating, understanding and extending themselves on my behalf, some of these men have expressed (and continue to express) an interest in my development. They offer me challenge, support and vision. With their actions, and sometimes their words, they've said "I care about you". What could be more encouraging than that?

Et tu, mentee?

Not everyone has to do something eccentric like get involved with men's work to discover mentoring. Who are your mentors, past and present? Who do you want to get mentoring from? What's important to your growth? And where do you find the mentors you need and want?

When Science Attacks

2011-03-18T12:30:00.013-04:00

I have a pet peeve. Some scientists treat non-scientific knowledge (including know-how) as inherently, across-the-board inferior, and cite the "scientifically flawed" terms of such knowledge (which are often not meant to be read scientifically) for their argument. "If we follow this to its conclusion, it's clearly absurd" type reasoning, but without checking the basis of the original statement, or its purpose.

This really gets my goat. I think it's arrogant and gets in the way of the richer knowledge that results from considering multiple perspectives, or ways of knowing about things.

... And Scientists Are From Science-Planet (OOooooooo....)

The example that's really killing me the last few weeks (maybe a couple months, hmm, there's a real hook in this for me!) comes from Intimate Relationships by Miller & Rowland, the textbook for a class I'm taking on just that subject.

In their initial discussion of gender differences, Miller and Rowland go to great pains to destroy the "foolish idea" that "men and women are so different as to almost have come from different planets". They're referring of course to Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars, John Gray's long-running relationship self-help book series.

[I paraphrase:] "If this were true, we could expect a graphical depiction of the differences to look like this, with little to no overlap between the sexes."

"The empirical data gained over a century of psychological research, however, shows that, while there are some systematic differences, men and women share much more in common than we are sometimes be led to believe," say Miller and Rowland. "Graphing such data shows clearly that most of the variation among women or men is also shared between women and men."

Well Yeah, But...

I am not disputing Rowland and Miller's general assertion about gender differences. (Or sex differences, as the case may be. In this context those two terms are commonly interchangeable -- that's called gender normativity and I've got some thoughts on that issue that will have to wait for another post. Also, we're talking about heterosexual relationships; same deal.)

Women and men share most qualities in common. But there's a gaping hole in Rowland and Miller's argument -- or rather, there's just no argument to be had. Gray is not speaking their language, and they're not speaking his.

Functional Description vs. Scientific Explanation

I don't know about you, but when, after a period of occlusion by the Earth, the sun again becomes visible to me above the horizon, I call that "sunrise". I say, "the sun came up at about 6:30 this morning."

Likewise, when I am no longer able to see the sun due to its again being occluded by the Earth, I say, "the sun went down. (What a beautiful sunset.)"

As much as I love science, and fully understand that the sun is not actually going up and down, describing my experience of the sun in this way is still fully functional for my purposes. Now, if I'm trying to launch a spacecraft, I'll probably adopt different language and conceptual models. In the meantime though, the sun comes up to start the daytime, and goes down to start the night.

We are all fully capable of understanding things from different perspectives, and choosing the most effective and efficient perspective in a given context.

Rowland & Miller seem not to understand this, however. When John Gray says "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", he is not making a scientific statement. Even they know that he's not making a literal statement ("This guy is crazy! I have home video of my son's birth and it was definitely in an Earth-based hospital!"), but they suddenly become confused enough to devote a couple pages in their textbook to showing that this "theory" of sex/gender differences is out to lunch.

Here's what I think Gray is saying:

from inside an intimate relationship, people experience their opposite-gender partners as extremely different from them in certain regards, particularly in the areas of emotional expression, intimacy needs, & communication.

Put that in your graph and smoke it!

As a hypothesis, I feel pretty good about that gloss on Gray. I'm pretty confident it would bear out under study. But how boring and lifeless is the language? Even for science writing, it could be leaner and more transparent -- and Gray is a popular writer. His purpose is to teach people to understand their intimate partners better, leading to better compassion, and to try new behaviours, leading to higher relationship functionality and satisfaction.

He couches this in a hyberbolic metaphor about different sexes being different species. Because its a little out there, rings true for some people, gives an easy-to-digest narrative/conceptual structure to his ideas, and makes people laugh, it works. He sells books. People's relationships benefit. (Mine has, my Dad's has, &c.)

Finally, importantly: Grey's angle is in no way incompatible with Rowland & Miller's assertion about gender differences. Think about sexual attraction: zoom out far enough and the differences between sexes and genders are small, but when it comes to the nitty-gritty, they make all the difference.

Science, I Love You, But You're Bringing Me Down

Scientific psychology practiced by academics has a different audience and a different purpose. It speaks a different language, or at least views relationships from a very different perspective. The only thing that happens when people like Rowland & Miller (and anyone who gets entrenched in their favourite way-of-knowing from time to time [yeah I've maybe done it once or twice]) attack other perspectives is that divisions are created (knowledge cliques if you will) and everybody's progress slows down.

Physicists and astronomers don't harp on civil engineers for treating the earth as a stationary body. That's a very reasonable assumption in that context. Likewise, laboratory psychologists shouldn't harp on relationship coaches for treating men and women as very different creatures. Up close and personal, they really are.

Straight to the Goal

2011-03-16T15:36:00.005-04:00

Sometimes in personal development, or other areas of action that can seem fuzzily defined, like relationships or social change, I notice myself and others losing sight of a simple, essential heuristic (a rule of thumb) of goal achievement. It's an idea that really jumped out at me a few years back from a success-with-women seminar.

I'll phrase it as follows:

Givens: you have a starting place/condition A, and desired finishing place/condition B.
Proceed as directly as possible to B.
Adjust course as necessary.

Diagram the 1st:

The straight line between A and B is the abstract ideal -- and for simple goals, it's pretty common. E.g.: "I want a glass of water." I go to the cupboard, get the glass, fill it with water. Done.

The next two frames illustrate step 3 of the heuristic as simply as possible. I go to the cupboard: no glasses (the barrier/obstacle). I take the extra time and energy to wash a glass from my counter. I proceed to fill it with water. Victory! (And yes, my house can be a bit slovenly at times.)

The glass of water example is to get the gist. Of course, any really interesting goals -- especially those that can't even quite be pinned down as goals (clearly defined outomes, timelines and behaviours) but rather must be framed as intentions (visualized, ongoing creative images of a desired condition which may be too large or too subjective to define clearly) -- are going to have a lot more barriers than "wash a glass".

I'm going to come up against barriers I could never have imagined, barriers within myself that I had no idea were there or didn't realize were significant (such as limiting beliefs), and undergo completely unexpected transformations in the process (by accomplishing unforeseen sub-goals).

Diagram the 2nd:

Here we've added a few more barriers, until at last entering the beating heart of B. (Of course you have to remember that the little red-line of progress is flying blind for the most part, and can't see the whole map of obstacles in advance.)

Duh?

This probably sounds obvious. Why write about it?

Because it can be all too easy to encounter a challenge or two, get distracted (and probably discouraged; emotions are a factor here too) and forget to keep going towards the goal.

Again, for any really interesting goal, the path cannot be foreseen. (That's a large part of what makes it interesting.) There can be incredible numbers and complexity of barriers and challenges over the span of years. And sometimes, encountering these, we can make the mistake of changing our goal unnecessarily (often for an impossible or less-desirable one), or forgetting about it completely, and proceed to wander aimlessly and/or fruitlessly in a wilderness of miscellaneous obstacles.

Another misstep is to simply get hooked on battling barriers and hope for the best. There are obstacles and challenges in all directions, but facing them willy-nilly brings limited, willy-nilly results.

So let's go straight on to the goal, as straight as possible. Even if the end path is a baroque curlicue of epic proportions (see Frodo, Lord of the Rings), it was the best path you knew, and you got the results. Even if the adventure is the thing, and the journey is what counts, without focus on the goal the journey becomes a drunken dream, and often a rather anxious one.

The Initial Learning Curve of Ninjutsu

2011-02-28T08:57:00.004-05:00

As I overheard a senior student at the dojo explaining to a new student recently, the learning curve for ninjutsu is initially longer and slower than for other more well-known martial arts, fighting sports and self-defence systems.

Here are Two Unscientific Graphs just to put an image on the idea. Assume an equivalent, moderate level of intensity of training for both, similar starting fitness and ability, etc., and define "Fighting Effectiveness" as "holding one's own in self-defence situations". (For sparring & tournament situations, we would probably exaggerate the difference.)

The "6 months, 1 year, 2 year" marks for Time are very rough ideas, and of course I haven't put any particular scale on Fighting Effectiveness. The main point is to illustrate that in the first year or so, the learning curves are very different.

What might account for this difference? Here are two reasons I understand.

1. Nature of the in-class training: technique over fitness.

At least at Budo Montreal, classes focus almost exclusively on techniques, rather than fitness & conditioning. (The flexibility exercises of junan taiso being the exception.) I think this is appropriate: since we have limited time with our teacher, let's use it for what he's most uniquely qualified to teach us! But it does mean students' overall fitness is very much in their own hands This requires more time and discipline investment, which if they come at all, are less likely to come in the first year while you're still getting your head around the new habit of going to the dojo. And fitness (including the resiliency to be able to punch someone without hurting your hand!) is a huge part of fighting effectiveness, in sparring & tournaments especially.

2. Foreign-ness of the movements, aka: White Belt is the Toughest Belt.

The movements of ninjutsu are very different from most martial arts, sports -- or just plain most activities one is likely to have done in North America. To give two broad examples: we move on profile, rather than with the body "open" or facing forward; and we don't use our hips for power movements. The time spent adjusting and habilitating to these new principles of movement slows the learning curve. While learning the new way of moving, your fighting effectiveness isn't really climbing. Once it's learned, though, this way of moving has huge benefits.

Different Needs for Different Times

Your choice of art depends on your taste and needs right now. Why are you training, or interested in training? Do you want to compete? Learn self-defence? Get fit? Get "tough"? Look tough? Meet like-minded people? Immerse yourself in an art? Feel safe? Become a warrior? Obviously it could be any combination of these and other factors.

Ninjutsu is a fighting art with enough technical, philosophical and aesthetic depth to last lifetimes, as well as provide incredible fighting ability in the long run. It requires finding a great teacher, which can be difficult. And you have to do your fitness and conditioning on your own time. It is not a quick road to self-defence efficacy, but it's an extraordinarily rich journey that can make you into a heckuva warrior if you train well and persevere.

Achievement, Power & Intimacy

2011-02-18T09:43:00.004-05:00

Three Fundamental Motivations

A few weeks ago I learned about a personality theory that looks to describe the fundamental motivations of individuals as a distribution between three possibilities: achievement, power & intimacy.

(The first method of assessment involved having people write short narratives to go with relatively neutral scenes, like two scientists working in a lab. It's called the Thematic Apperception Test.)

This has been rattling around in my mind ever since, and on a weekend leadership training for the Boys to Men mentoring organization, one thing became very clear: Achievement is my dominant motivation.

After that, I think it's Power, then Intimacy. (Hence I titled this post according to my own ranking. That's power in action. ;-) )

One of the ways this became clear is that I noticed that while I did value the intimacy and connection happening between members of the group (including myself), I viewed this as one more accomplishment to check off the list!

What motivates you most?

Power? Aka: influence, leadership, dominance, having the respect of others, being acknowledged...

Intimacy? Aka: connection, group harmony, trust, consensus, sharing...

Achievement? Aka: completion of goals and tasks, progress, learning, challenge, expansion of skills and abilities...

Ways to use this: You could pick your top motivation, rank them as I have, distribute a certain number of points between the three, or give each a rating between 0 and 5.

And now, having written something and posted it, I have achieved something worthwhile for me, taken a position of potential influence, and connected with the readers of this blog, pretty much in that order. :-)

Stop Giving Your Power Away, O Laser-Headed One

2010-12-31T13:17:00.005-05:00

Social dynamics lesson of the day.

Giving your power away makes people -- at least the kind of people you might really want to have as friends -- uncomfortable. It's usually taken on in an attempt to make one's self more palatable to others, i.e.: to gain approval.

Ironically -- TRAGICALLY, in many cases -- other than a momentary smoothing over of the social vibe (which is not universally valuable by any means) it tends to do exactly the opposite. People will tolerate you, but not be excited to be with you.

And you'll be digging yourself a pit of icky. Your self-esteem will be sewer-bound.

I mean, people literally kill themselves over this kind of thing. Social skills and right-thinking are so bloody valuable, basic to our health. (Science says: links to mental health, physical health, life expectancy, income, happiness.)

Perhaps your social sitch is not so perilous as all that -- still, it can be much better. It's like the Undiscovered Country of Glory sitting right in front of us every day....

What is "giving your power away"? Some examples:

explaining yourself unnecessarily (i.e.: when not directly requested to do so for a reason other than the other person wants your power or to feel less nervous)
apologizing unnecessarily (i.e.: any time OTHER THAN when you've considered your actions carefully and regret them, AND are at least 85% sure the other person will benefit from hearing it)
perpetuating conversations you're not interested in, either by silent approval or active asking questions you don't give a real-shit about the answers to
sacrificing an important activity of yours for a less-important activity of someone else's (e.g.: you're about to do your daily workout and someone calls to gossip)

It should be noted that the more power you have (by birth, training, habit, or coincidence), the more tension you are likely to feel to give it away -- likewise if your power takes "eccentric" (uncommon or socially unapproved [non-preapproved]) forms, the pressure goes up.

Perhaps more to the point, the greater the difference in level and form between your power and

A) the average power of your immediate social milieu
x
B) your level of unconditional self-acceptance

the more pressure those around you are likely to exert, and that you are likely to feel, to deflate yourself, defray your energies by the above-listed behaviours and others.

Okay. So it's getting complicated.

I shall retreat to my bat-cave for further calculations and lethal-combat training.

Judicious Use of Airplane Mode

2010-12-22T10:48:00.003-05:00

Your cell phone controls you? That's weird? Yes it's weird. Take the power back, one step at a time.

STEP the FIRST: JUDICIOUS USE OF AIRPLANE MODE

Airplane mode shuts off your cell phone's transmission functions, as I understand it, in order to avoid fucking with the instruments on your commercial flight. Mayday mayday, some a-hole has a text coming in, we're all gonna die!

Here's why I use it often, cycling/toggling many times in a day, and sometimes for long periods (hours, afternoon or whole day of schoolin'):

1. NO DISTRACTIONS

Because when you're studying or meditating it ain't no good for ya. Texts and calls and bullsheeeeeit.

2. YES PRACTICAL

Meanwhile you continue using your phone for alarms, timers (waking up, study sessions, QuakeLive breaks); notes and memos and calendrical figurings; videos, mp3s, camera, as needed --

(-- holy fuck this IS the future.)

3. NO CANCER

Science wrassles with this ongoing question. In the meantime, don't risk killing your boys/ova or giving yourself the brain cancer unnecessarily. Give dem cells a radiation break. (Yeah right, while the wireless everything else pushes waves through you! Ayai!)

4. MO POWER

Battery life is hugely extended in airplane mode!

5. MO POWER (THE IInd)

Because you took the frickin' power BACK, son. The phone works for YOU now.

Things I've Learned About/From Practicing Acupressure This Summer

2010-08-17T21:04:00.004-04:00

17 Kamal 167

1) Don't call it massage ('acupressure massage'). People get greasy, skeasy, lazy, dissatisfied. Boring people come for boring sessions. Gay dudes want to pick you up in your own house while you insist, "No, I don't have clients take their clothes off." And then leave before the session's over because they're bored. UGH.

2) The kind of sessions I like: Talking, Spiritual, Creativity, Soul-Searching, Life-Change Work, Deep Presence, Trust Extended.

3) The kind of sessions I don't like: Boring Only-Physical Fix-Me. This is related to point one. Guy comes tonight off an early ad promoting my 'acupressure massage'. It was a smooth session, I did good points-work, no greasiness, I got paid.

"So what did you notice during the session?"
"It was different than the other massages I've had. More of a stationary massage. Less rubbing."
"Ah. Hm."
Guy leaves.
"Well that fucking sucked."
[Cue loud rap music.]

[SIDE NOTE: An M.O.P. song just came up on my Jaangle called "Nig-Gotiate".]

4) I'm interested in changing lives.

I.e.: in being of service in holding space and providing technical and psycho-spiritual support for people who want to / are ready to take steps, especially big ones. I've taken a bunch in my own short life, especially the past couple years, in which consistent support from counsellors and men's group work has been HUGE. It is incredibly satisfying to play a role in such steps for others.

5) Being a bodyworker per se is not my thing.

"Body-centered psychotherapy" might do. Because I do like the bodyworking, and how dealing with the body provides depth, insight, groundedness, shortcuts through cognitive hijinks and distractions.

Luckily, Jin Shin Do is all about that.

6) Don't sell down. Don't pander. Do your thing your way and work with people who love that.

7) I feel charged and powerful and expanded after a good session incorporating talk and counselling, etc. // I feel drained and strained after silent physio sessions.

(And this summer I mostly did the latter. Learning!)

8) I don't like being called an acupressurist. "What are you doing now?" "Acupressure."

Bleh.

More words, other words, playing with these: spiritual counsellor, whole-self counselling, mystic, guide....

But really just a friend (of humanity, the collective organism and the quality, an ongoing aspiration, a practice). A person. A man with his mind on his heart on his body under the umbrella of spirit (soul). A counsellor in the most general sense. I like to help. Let's have fun.

*

Off to school to get me a degree. To get me the requisite paper for good-quality counselling training. (JSD shall continue meanwhile and I'll wrap the certification up too.)

Calling all HEROES

2010-08-12T11:21:00.004-04:00

12 Kamal 167

The heroes of all times have gone before us. The labyrinth is thoroughly known. We have only to follow the thread of the hero path. And where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find God. And where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves. Where we had thought to travel outward, we will come to the center of our own existence. And where we had thought to be alone, we will be with all the world.

- Joseph Campbell, The Hero With A Thousand Faces

(Quoted in Tallman, Archetypes For Spiritual Direction.)

EMAIL HABITS: Once Today & To Done

2010-08-11T22:51:00.005-04:00

11 August 2010
11 Kamal 167

Four days ago, I emptied my Gmail inbox for the first time in at least 6 years.

A few to the trash, and everything else to the archive.

"You have no new mail! Check out Google News if you're looking for something to read."

No you bastard! The whole point is to have nothing to read!

8/10 Productivity Gurus Agree...

... that you should check your email once a day. MAYBE twice if you're some kinda lawyer or somethin', somebody important or somethin'.

Ain't passed the bar but you know a little bit?

Once it is.

1/1 Ben Howdens Agrees

First of all, who the fuck wants to be accountable to journo-timely communications by email? Not this lad, I tell ye.

A couple months ago I showed up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (I think?) to my first temp shift at a trendy lil restaurant on Duluth Street. Ten minutes of wandering around with the new girl trying to find an apron that wasn't emblazoned I AM A PETITE WOMAN (before giving up and embracing the playfulness, the ironic queerness fun), and the acting manager strolls in with her giant shades and a sigh.

"Oh, Ben? Oh. Did you get Swanky's* email?"

"Uh, no. Which email?"

"We decided we didn't need you to come in after all."

Good thing I fucking planned for it all weekend then and put in that hour long training shift, then, eh? Yum yum!

(*Names have been changed to protect the nearly-as-silly-monikered subjects.)

As it turns out, Swanky had emailed me about 21 hours before my shift had been planned to start saying, "Thanks anyway but we don't need you. Cheers!"

It was a cheerful enough email, but I had checked that morning, and I'd be gee-dee'ed to be responsible for this screw-up because I wasn't glued to the screen on a sunny Saturday in summertime Montreal. You know they have like classes and therapy-groups for that shit, right? To get people outside and off the net?

All of which is to say: I have a frickin' cell phone. You can reach me in my sleep.

Reason #1 to feel chained to the inbox VANQUISHED.

Making the Net Friendly Again -- I.e. Not Evil

Another story+point.

At a recent social engagement a altogether pleasant lad wearing a "more GAY less MARRIAGE" tee was heard to remark: "The world would be better off if we didn't have the Internet."

I was surprised -- not least because he had about half the small room's support.

The thing is, he has a point in that most of the time I observe myself and others using the internet tends to involve time-wasting randomness & a pattern of addictive/distracting behaviour, a rapid-fire stream of stimulus-hits. Resistance City, in Pressfield speak.

Getting off the email obsession is just one step -- but I think a powerful one, a beachead if you will -- to tipping the scales such that the Internet becomes a net gain in each of our lives, ha ha.

Once A Day, Just Like Pooping (That's Normal, Right?)

The deal is this -- the thing I'm experimenting with: Get into that email accont once per day, and process to done, i.e.: empty Inbox.

Respond immediately wherever possible. If that means running downstairs to grab my calendar and confirm a suggested date/time, do it. If that means taking five minutes to think about a tough decision, or two minutes to make sure I really want to commit to an appointment, do it.

Try to spend less than half-an-hour -- this is my personal goal, a rough rule of thumb for avoiding that ol' sick-of-the-Interweb feeling. Sometimes there's an important task that needs doing, and that may spread it beyond the 30 minutes mark -- but then I'm spending time on an important task, completing it promptly and that feels good. And not soul-sucking!

Junk? Pitch it. The threshhold of what constitutes "Not-Junk" is already on the rise. I just unsubscribed from a semi-interesting mailing list. Not worth my time. My time is wonderful and wonder-filled -- or work-, and that has its own long-term magic.

FOCUS

FOCUS is key in cultivating this new habit, in even giving a shit about going ahead with it in the first place. I feel my life is coming into sharper focus -- as a friend of a friend put it, what I need to really get making-love to life is "unification of desire". Talent and energies become powerful results when desire becomes unified, so I gather.

I seem to be experiencing the early stages of this lately, and it's thrilling. Discipline is such a different affair when I feel a true and deep commitment burgeoning. A ruthlessness emerges -- and email takes it's proper place as an adjunct form of communication, and not a past-time, merciful heavens.

Purging my belongings and "lightening my load" (zap!) is accelerating this focus and gave the juice to lighten my digital load quite naturally.

A Mention of Letters

Email letters can be awesome -- I've written and received some really wonderful reads over the years. But is it really worth the time? I'm going to be feeling this one out. See: phone calls, wonder-filled, face-time, and even handwritten biz.

(I mean, are we becoming more of an oral-culture type world as McLuhan had it?)

Suggestions Welcome

I'm curious about your experience with disciplining and focussing your email use. What's worked? And if you're an addict, what's holding you back from taking command?

As a great man once said, COMMAND & CONQUER was a fun computer game back in the day before RTS's bored the carp out of me. So let us go forth and command & conquer our email.

OF NERDS & NINJAS

2010-08-09T12:37:00.005-04:00

August 9th, 2010 AD
aka 9th Kamal 167 BE

On the Gassuku, the Budo Montreal-led summer ninjutsu training retreat (or "ninja summer camp" as some of us like to call it), I found myself looking around and realizing that I was surrounded by nerds.

And not only this, but feeling quite at home amongst them.

Realizing, in effect, and to a new depth, that yes, folks, yes indeed: Ben Howden is a nerd.

... And Proud of It?

The second realization, or insight perhaps more accurately, was that THIS DOES NOT MAKE US (ME) LESS VALUABLE -- than for example, such imaginary categories of people as "normals", "jocks", "cool montreal club-goers / businessminded yuppie punks".

This was really stunning to me. It was like realizing I was wearing tinted glasses for a second and being able to imagine/remember the real world's colours without them, maybe even take a quick glimpse before replacing them out of sheer, unforceable habit.

So yeah, for a second or few, and lingering now in a ghostly potential form: Damn fucking proud of it.

Ninjutsu: A World of Nerds and -Badassess

The dojo where I am so fortunate to train is a world of nerds. The sensei is definitely a nerd, computer gaming being a hobby -- but the most obvious being certain patterns of speech and joking. Hard to describe, but instantly recognizable to the initiated. (In fact he reminds me a lot of a certain "Bossman" back in my RPG-writing-team days!)

The kids who sign up -- the white belts I've watched shyly trickle in over the year-and-a-half since I did the same -- are almost definitely nerds, 9 out of 10 times. I mean like, some of these guys seem non-verbal at first, they're so shy.

Star Wars jokes, internet humour; a scientist or two, graphic designers, artists, musicians, a doctor, a few web designers and programmers, a budding novelist (if I overheard him correctly); and a lot of scrawny sons-of-bitches with the occasional tubby guy thrown in for good measure.

Lots of conversations and jokes that revolve around (secret) knowledge.

And yet, some of these nerds are also kind of fucking badass. Hence the heading above should read in its full form Nerds and Nerd-Badasses. Some are ripped, while others are unremarkable looking until you train with them and they have grips of steel and an eerie command of their bodies -- and, rather painfully, of yours as they apply the techniques.

The Seer Archetype - The Psychic Wellspring of Nerd-dom

In his wonderful book Archetypes For Spiritual Direction: Awakening the Heroes Within, Bruce Tallman summarizes and illustrates four fundamental archetypes, or story-images, that, according to the theory, underly human psychology. These four in his gender-neutral terminology are Sovereign, Warrior, Seer and Lover.

The Seer (man that's really one of those words that looks weird as you type it over and over) is that personality type or aspect of ourselves that looks into the secret mysteries of the universe, including the depths of their own psyche, comes back with "secret knowledge" and thus gains personal power to transform their reality (and potentially that of others).

And the Seer is what nerds are all about.

Whether it's the minutiae of gaming systems, the intricacies of film fandom, or Real Ninja Secrets (Fuck You Facebook Ads!), nerds are all about amassing factoids and other knowledges that create a power-base of Guess What I Know (And What I Can Do With It).

(Neal Stephenson has some absolutely awesome passages about how socially awry this can get in Cryptonomicon - something about Chester being a grown-up enough nerd to realize that not all declarative sentences uttered in his presence needed to be either one-upped or considered insulting if already known.)

Ninjas: Seer-Warriors

As a martial art, ninjutsu is perfectly suited for nerd-dom. Nerds with any interest in fighting, combat, etc, are (I assert) highly susceptible to the mysteriousness, legendary and/or magical numinosity, and intricate technical nature of the art, with its claims to higher spiritual and metaphysical knowledge along the way.

Truly accomplished ninjas (as I currently understand the ideal) are Seer-Warriors -- warriors who look deeply into the essence of human beings, of the nature of combat in its external and internal aspects, and inevitably into the holistic nature of the cosmos and the (initially) fragmented reality of their own personal selves, and use all this to achieve their goals: survival, perseverance, victory (over the ego, and if necessary, over an external opponent).

Of course because of the warrior aspect, aspiring ninjas (e.g.: nerds) are asked to ground their mysterious brains in the disciplined world of physical excellence, i.e.: get fit, strong, flexible -- or in one of M. Meunier's recent favourites: supple.

Ninjutsu: A Nerdly Path to Badasshood - I Dig It

I dig the Warrior thing. I grew up under a jock Dad, and feel unfulfilled in my jock-ish genes. Ninjutsu increasingly offers me a way to channel those jonesings for ripped-ness and physical challenge into a wonderful art (artists are also Seers), while connecting me to a community of warrior-nerds. My kind of people!

As Tallman mentions, the Seer archetype is, despite the rise of the computer age and the socio-cultural ascendance of techno-wizards, still a somewhat devalued and mistrusted energy in contemporary North America. I've swallowed too much of that, and combined it with this unfulfilled jock-nature of mine to make an entirely too-convincing case of some lessening of my worth. (Meanwhile admiring fit and ripped and rugged people from a distance -- a sure sign of unfulfilled desire.)

Being heavily influenced by the Seer does not mean being less valuable or not-a-Warrior (or not-tough). So onwards to being the toughest-ass nerd I can be; and rejoicing and gratitude for all the goodness that nerd-dom brings.

Title Bar Graphic Competition

2010-08-09T08:34:00.002-04:00

Hello talented and determined and playful artists all!

As you can see, I have just whipped up a rather glorious title graphic for this blog.

However I suspect even more glory awaits... if you feel the drive to strive to arrive above all rivals in the place of Ben Digs Life Title Graphic Champ, do so....

Although I have to say, I really like mine right now, so the competition is already pretty stiff.

BBB: Variations on a 3-Months Theme

2010-04-25T14:07:00.006-04:00

Well alright cha.

So for the past three months I've been basically rocking eggs + fries + veggies. For the most part it's working really well. I mean, it's pretty much every day, so there've been some bored/tired-of-it days, but I feel good and strong after a big breakfast, especially on those mornings when I'm getting a solid walk or run in -- double especially when something physical both precedes and post-cedes brekkie.

Improvements to be made: 1) I'd like to eat less greasy. On the plus side, I don't even enjoy true deep-fried french fries anymore -- these pre-fried/baked home cooked ones are plenty fatty for me. Will experiment with poached eggs. 2) I want to find at least one other very-satisfying option/theme. Cereal doesn't much do it for me, although cereal + eggs is alright in a pinch. Bready stuff is out because I don't do gluten. Baked beans can work. And juicing/smoothie-ing is a promising possibility but requires equipment and experimentation.

Enjoy!

For a while I was often eating over email, but I faded on that. Now it's more likely some physical-substrate reading material. Novels aren't ideal; I have trouble pulling away after such a short reading session. A little bit of personal development type stuff (War of Art, Personal Development for Smart People) usually works well. Occasionally I go no-reading, which I enjoy but is a test of discipline. It's calming but my brain is hungry too.

Moved to three eggs quite a ways back. Yum. Usually fried sunny side up.

I coulda sworn this pic was rightwaysup in the preview pane.

Photo enlarged to show texture.

A two-day experiment with potatoes I'd boiled myself, then quick-fried with breakfast, was surprisingly unsatisfying and bloating.

Remember when there was snow on the ground? A ha ha ha ha

My ketchup consumption these past three months has been prodigious to say the least. Lately I've moved to Frank's Red Hot sauce as an occasional compliment/substitute.

Breakfast and tea on the porch, how wonderfully civilized.

Ben's Bad Breakfast for Two. Scrambled eggs. Tea. Salt, pepper & Red Hot. Zen centrepiece (dried leaves and flowers floating in a water-filled mason jar) by the lovely lady.

Happy breakfasting

Focus for the Year - Principle: Balance

2010-04-21T00:41:00.007-04:00

So I promised that sometime after Naw Ruz / Spring Equinox (March 21) I'd be stating my focus (foci) for the year. Did I say "shortly after"? I forget. AND SINCE THIS IS CLEARLY NOT THE INFORMATION AGE WHERE SUCH A QUESTION CAN BE ANSWERED WITHIN 1-2 MOUSE CLICKS, I will assume I did not and proceed with a clear conscience.

Further research proves the satisfyingly vague phrase "around the 21st" was employed. Maybe I meant "of April" all along. OKAY I WAS LATE, forgiveness is asked.

Principle for the Year: Balance

I have many interests. I have many talents. I have a bunch of balls more-or-less in the air, projects I've started, talents I've nurtured over the years into budding skills, a number of areas of personal development currently in the works, etc. How to choose? This was me wracking my brain during the Fast (the 19 days before the new year): HOW TO CHOOSE??? I tried on various ideas; nothing quite felt right. Especially since just previous to and even during that time I found myself overfocusing -- noticeable by the "crashes" (emotional, physical, of interest) which would quickly follow such overfocused periods.

I became frustrated and stressed out, knowing I wanted to have at least a rough idea of what this coming year was about by the time spring hit. Not that it was a firm deadline after which no modification could be made, but in effect, I knew I had given myself that time to deeply consider this question, in the spirit of the Baha'i calendar's rhythm, and I wanted to honor that gift and boundary.

And then two things happened: first, the idea of "no-focus" started germinating, sprouting (are those the same thing?). I wasn't sure exactly what this meant, or what it would look like, but in discussion with a confidante about my difficulty choosing a focus, it was pointed out to me that maybe this wasn't necessary, and that I "seemed to have the kind of personality that did well with different interests on the go" (paraphrase).

Upon reflection, and immediate experimentation, this no-focus idea showed a lot of promise. It seemed to make some sense both for my current life situation and developmental stage (contingent factors) and to align with longstanding trends in my personality, interests, behaviours (fundamental factors). For a week or so I actively toyed with the idea of "letting myself be a dilettante" -- a challenging idea for me, because I've long held the belief that to be satisfied in life I would have to intensely focus, go DEEP in one area (at a time?). Likewise, much personal development literature, including my favorite authour Steve Pavlina, puts a lot of emphasis on focus in order to realize significant results -- to make real strides in your life, put all your energy into one or maybe two areas at a time.

This line of thinking developed quickly as I let some activities and interests into my days which I had been excluding in the name of focus -- from creative stuff like playing more music (singing and writing songs) to very mundane simple stuff like puttering around in my room, cleaning, organizing and purging my belongings -- all of which had immediate, dramatic results in my sense of self-integrity (I've been having some weird sensations of my identity being "fractured" in the past bunch of months), peacefulness and joy.

So while I didn't understand quite how to phrase this or what it meant for my year, I knew it was worth following.... For awhile I thought this post was going to say something like: "Focus for the Year: No-Focus -- I even wrote a draft copy a few weeks back on that basis -- but it didn't quite feel right. I knew it had to evolve a bit more.

Eventually this evolved into the idea of BALANCE. The problem for me is not so much having a focus (although I am certainly a multi-interest kinda guy), as what focusing means to me, and how to make it sustainable. How could I intensively engage in activities & projects I love without crashing? The answer: learn to balance the various aspects of my life, and recognize when things are getting extreme, i.e.: crash-worthy. Learn my needs and inclinations, and balance them with the outside world's demands. Learn how to focus while not becoming monomaniacal, forgetting about other areas completely, including sometimes even the most basic ones like food and rest. (Over reading week I went on a writing kick that was so creatively satisfying I didn't recognize how little I was eating and how it was affecting me until I was quite out of whack -- and it took me three or four days to get back to feeling human again. UGH. This was right before the Fast.)

I'll be exploring the implications of this principle in posts throughout the year, I suspect. Definitely more to say.

The Second Thing

Secondly, on the very last day of the Fast, yay even in its final hours, I stumbled upon a part of my life/personality/aspirations that had fallen weirdly by the wayside (so it seems in retrospect). In the process of clearing out my belongings with the lofty aim of helping to clarify and lighten my mental/psychic burdens, and the ultra-practical goal of not having so much gee-dee effing shit to lug the next time I move, I came to my massage table.

And so have you.

I've had my massage table for about four years. I bought it midway through my first, intensive year of exposure to/training in Jin Shin Do acupressure. I lugged it to the Arctic for six months. I used it for practice. I moved it to London ON. There it rested while I jetted off to Korea. I came back and lugged it to Ottawa. Then Montreal.

And other than a handful of sessions, after the Arctic stint it did nothing more than sit in its case and be a cool device. "Ooh, looky there. Remember how cool that was? Yeah. I liked that thing."

After selling my nearly decade-owned bass amplifier about a week before, another eccentric piece of furniture that I've moved all over this end of North America without using for most of that time, I was on a roll. I had felt the energy boost and clarity that had come from letting go of my bass amp -- it was hard, because I'm a softy and that thing had been part of some really beautiful and interesting musical adventures and friendships, but selling it had given me pause to reflect on those times, given me the money to pay for an upcoming ninjutsu seminar (good heavens, more on that in another post), and cleared some serious literal and metaphorical poundage/cubic footage out of my room and heart, respectively.

So! Up goes the massage table onto the back porch for a wee Craigslist ad photoshoot session. One of my roommates is sitting at the dining room table.

"What's that?"
"A massage table."
"You have a massage table? Why?"
"Yeah. I studied acupressure for a while there."
(Brief discussion of acupressure and mention that I'm selling the table.)
He: "So you didn't want to take it up as a job?"
Me: "Well... I considered it for awhile but then I sorta got out of it--" I.E: BLAH BLAH BLAH

A good friend of mine coined the rule that any sentence starting with a rising-intonation and drawn-out, "Well..." is BOGUS, and so right a rule it is. About five minutes after this conversation I was socking the massage table (instead of my own face) and saying "yeah good question so why the heck DID I get out of it?"

To cut a long story short, I didn't sell the table, and was on the phone with my acupressure teacher a couple hours later and he was verbally socking me for being such a dolt, with my full participation. Once the metaphorical beating had knocked some sense into me, he/we began plotting my proper return to the Jin Shin Do game.

To cut a long story even shorter -- the details of the plotting will have to wait for another post.

In Conclusion

So that's it -- the goal this year on the principle/virtues front is to make massive strides in my ability to balance internal/external responsibilities (and clearly there's a lot of union there), heart/mind/body/spirit, the energies of body and mind, and the various lines of action I'm pursuing. I will do so by paying close attention to my internal emotional, intuitive and physical signals, and learn to discriminate among them and the results they give when responded to in different ways. (This close attention to felt signals is one of the primary means to the end -- but I'm getting ahead of myself.)

I have good reason to expect this will have MASSIVE positive effects on my physical and emotional well-being, such that I will be able to do a proper Fast next year, and take up a minor but ambitious exercise goal for spring of next year....

Still to come for "this-year" stuff: concrete goals, why I'm moving towards greater use of the Baha'i calendar, and some overdue reflections on the year past.

Thanks for reading!

Contribution

2010-04-18T22:58:00.005-04:00

I don't know what this giant bee has to do with contributing.
I do know he's awesome.

Steve Pavlina's recent article on contributing to your field struck in me I think the main two chords it was meant to strike: an interest in personal advancement in a field, and a deep yearning to make connections and contributions (in the same field).

He recommends installing the habit of making small, regular, constant contributions to your chosen field (his examples are software development, and then later personal development, which contribution became his day job), and further that you get a taste of this by doing a 30 day trial of doing just that each day, 30 day trials being a favorite personal development tool of his.

I am a few days from the end of exams / start of summer, and in those few days I want to decide on the focus, structure and timing of just such a trial. Being that perhaps my main focus this summer is to build up my acupressure business (more on that in a later post), a contribution to either "personal health & well-being" or "bodywork therapist" is tempting. Other possibilities include "martial arts/ninjutsu, practice of", "science-fiction novel writing", "pop song construction" and "choosing your focus". (Get it? :-) )

In any case, I'm in no position to position myself as an expert in any of these fields -- but as Pavlina points out, this is not necessary: you just have to share something that you think might give a leg up to someone just starting out, and I have a lot of that sort of material in all the mentioned categories.

Also clear to me is that for the duration of my 30 day trial my contribution would take the form of short daily blog posts, as short as a couple paragraphs. It has to be sustainable, and perfectionism has no place here (a nice dovetailing with my last post). Since I am well-nigh constantly thinking in terms of experience-based-advice (to myself and to an imaginary audience) and love to write, I estimate that whipping up a couple rough-and-ready paragraphs of this sort is very doable in as little as 15 minutes. Although due to the latter factor it's also likely to extend longer once I get rolling.

Pavlina suggests that by the end of the trial the results should be so satisfying (regardless of external consequences, it's at minimum going to feel damn good) that it won't be hard to just keep on rocking in a similar rhythm. I already know how satisfying posting just about any old thing can be -- it's not hard to imagine that adding a little bit of focus and intensity to it would be nothing short of addictive.

On Contribution and Teaching

Contribution is a wonderful feeling, a fundamental human need at what is commonly called the "spiritual" level -- the level at which our actions and values align with a sphere of concern larger than ourselves. The larger and more inclusive that sphere (in time, space and relation), the more "spiritual". The smallest sphere/lowest level of concern is commonly considered selfish, immediate bodily pleasures; the largest, something like "universal love for all creation and beings throughout time".

In Baha'i terms, this is related to the emphasis placed on service -- but also, it occurs to me now, on teaching, i.e. sharing the (awareness of the) value one has extracted from the Faith's teachings, practices and community, with others. You gotta make sure your lamp is afire before passing the flame onto others, but this is not an all-or-nothing approach -- you can offer bits of light and warmth to others "just starting out". This is what I think the idea that "Before all else, the teacher must teach one's own self." It is a priority and a practicality, not a two-step / one-time process where you wait. In simpler terms, it also keeps you honest.

In truth, this idea about "teaching" is no different than what would be required of someone teaching a practical skill, like say carpentry or plumbing. It's difficult to transmit that knowledge and skill if you haven't integrated it yourself. If anybody learns something from someone who hasn't integrated it themselves, the kudos goes to the student and good fortune / the good graces of God.

Of course, in a spiritual/religious context, it always helps to throw in a few elemental metaphors and frame things in a passionate, exalted, mystical way. (Okay so it doesn't ALWAYS help, but primary religious texts tend to, presumably with good reason....)

Bye Bye Perfectionism, Hello Blog

2010-04-15T12:31:00.002-04:00

Yeah so perfectionism has been killing me on the blog front, in the sense that I've been writing all kinds of little sketches for posts but then not getting/making the time for putting them together & up here for y'all to read. Because I enjoy the mega-posting style of iconoclasts like Steve Pavlina and Jon McRae, I've been assuming I'd ape them. But seriously folks, I'd rather be launching tiny sorties into your hearts and minds than none at all. I frickin love sharing ideas (jokes, questions, stories, observations, quests) and in this techno-miracle age of Wonders I've got the chance to publish them every day if I feel like it, just to get things out and rolling. Rocking. &c.

I should do a post about how I really like &c over etc.

OH WAIT, I JUST DID. *Mind Explodes Into Glory-based Fireworks*

Upcoming: My focus-for-the-year post, why I like the Baha'i calendar for years and era (and may move to months as well), miscellaneous hip-hop lyric illustrations, and other personal development type observations.

&c.

A wee commitment: another post by Midnight Monday 19th April.

Kanye says...

2010-03-10T12:45:00.004-05:00

What you think I rap for?
To push a f@#&in' Rav4?

One Reason Why 'X' Is Beautiful

2010-03-05T17:53:00.004-05:00

Where X=(A Certain Fairly Narrow Band of) Pickup, c/o Tyler Durden/Owen Cook, Guru of RSD

I imagine my life without it [Neil Strauss' book "The Game", which apparently brought intense scrutiny on Tyler/Owen through a negative portrayal of him] and realize I probably would have gone deeper down a path of denial about what’s important in life—“what’s important in life” being who you become on a core level, living for your own enjoyment, and fulfilling the values that are important to you, regardless of whether anyone recognizes or acknowledges it.

*

Where X=Ninjutsu, c/o Stephane Meunier, Sensei of BUDO Montreal (from his book)

Ninjutsu is not a religion, but it should be practiced like one - with passion and devotion. It's a tool to learn how to be stronger. Ninjutsu will make you strong enough to stand up to lies, to learn as much as you can, to keep your money for your family and your studies. Choose wisely who you give your time and money to. In ninjutsu, we do not worship any one person or god. We practice in a very selfish way - for ourselves. That being said, it does have a positive impact on our surroundings. Never forget that one of the main purposes of life is to be happy as soon as possible and for as long as possible. In doing so, try to preserve harmony - it's a real treasure.

*

Footnotes (my style):

Be thou of the people of hellfire, but be not a hypocrite. (Baha'u'llah)

O MY SERVANT! The best of men are they that earn a livelihood by their calling and spend upon themselves and upon their kindred for the love of God, the Lord of all worlds. (Ibid)

The Season of Restraint aka Fasting aka Pre-Spring aka New Year's Comes Again

2010-03-02T17:12:00.006-05:00

These guys are getting ready for springing, too.

A personal thing.

I'm not fasting in the full, outward Baha'i sense (March 2nd - 20th, no food or drink or smoke sunrise to sundown), but I'm taking on this season as a time of spiritual rejuvenation nonetheless. In practice that means I've chosen a couple things to abstain from (kind of personal for the blog at this point but feel free to ask), and am consciously treating this as a lull in activity, a time to emphasize reflection on the year past, on my present situation(s), internal and external, and my goals and intentions and vision for the year to come. Some extra quiet time, prayer & meditation.

And then I'm going to make the spring equinox, aka Naw Ruz aka New Year, my new year point.

So around the 21st, I'll be posting my goals and intentions for the year here. Probably a theme overall, too. Last year's if you'll recall was "Authenticity and Health". So I'll also reflect a bit on how that played out. (In general: great success! but the race is not yet run.)

Shout-outs to all the Baha'is and pseudos observing the Fast in some way or another. I wish you fruitful reflections, clarity, and inspiration.

This is Day 1 of 19.

A little self-discipline goes a long way.

Ben's Bad Breakfast Is Back

2010-01-23T12:59:00.006-05:00

Spinach, mixed greens, two fried eggs (sunny side up but all folded on the plate), and steak cut french fries

Back in action and check out this bad boy!

Pioneered this combo this week, fries and eggs for breakfast, damn! Then the mixed greens for veggie content (I don't really need dressing just smear a little yolk and/or ketchup with 'em), and today because it was Saturday and I wanted to PUSH THE ENVELOPE I quick steamed some spinach in the egg pan after the eggz wuz dun.

Pretty friggin' killer, if I do say so myself.

Did coffee and fruit beforehand -- a fuji apple and a quarter pint of blueberries. Deeeeelicious!

As you can see I'm not on any particular crazy diet regime right now. I tend not to eat meat, and avoid wheat as much as possible. Other than that, I love veggies and fruit; and am enjoying taking on some more typical North American accoutrements like coffee, fried eggs and FRENCH FRIES. Oh the french fries.

Ninjutsu Muse-ings

2009-09-23T21:17:00.007-04:00

A cool man. Possibly a great man.

Ninjutsu is the art of perseverance.

Ninjutsu is a way of moving through space.

What is the purpose of martial arts? "To live." Hatsumi Soke

*

I've been at this fairly idly for about what... 6 months now? And it's a beautiful art. I'm apprehensive to say that still, because.

Because it's like starting to feel like yer falling in love and you get nervous feeling that maybe-going-over-the-falls kind've feeling. And you still don't know who/what this really is, but you think you see something so bright and shining in there for you, and it's still basically a selfish thing at this point, but there are occasional glimpses of maybe, you know, real love, where you want to serve the love-object for its own sake... and that's really scary because you REALLY AREN'T SURE who/what you're falling for anyways, so how could you already be thinking about giving of yourself, sacrificing?

And so you stay cool in other ways, and you just don't push too hard, but it gets into your dreams and distracts you in waking moments, and you really wish that it's all true. This could be the start of something beautiful.

*

www.budomontreal.com

*

What is the sensei relationship?

It's the realization that your ideas about what you're learning can't plausibly outstrip your teacher's knowledge; that the best you can do is imitate as closely as possible, not blindly, but with eyes and heart and mind wide open and blazing fierce.

It's the choice to trust, to engage with not just a passing of information, but with a multi-dimensional transmission of knowledge, of a way.

*

Stop violence. Train your heart and stop violence.

*

So that's all the high-falutin' stuff.

Then there's fighting.

Swords.

Ninjas.

Punches,
kicks,
blocks,
throws,
breaks,
rolls.

Black pajamas and colourful belts and pressure points and dirty tricks.

Glorious.

u-techno-topia - a wishlist

2009-06-16T10:24:00.004-04:00

quit bringing back containers of oranges
what we need is gold filaments and new TVs
component systems, radio sets,
hotwire threepeaters, gel-cooled amps,
aerodyne rate jumpers, a cable-caught box.

new technologies, man
the theory sprung real
all things crystalline
engineered and bright
harder light and shiny smart
everything a crystal.

no more oranges, baby!

from now on just high-control buses, flash RAM persuaders, optical read arms, digital copper strands, sever-level matrices, extra-dense think paths, dreamshift polymers, aqualung cylinders, cable-thick parameters, antiloss screens,

electrogreen channel-enhancers, flow-optimizing backlinks, uplinks, trucklinks, trained ion-release synchrony, clock-tick triggerwire, mini-pull anchor sockets, jungle-proofed hardware processing, Italian marble-meters, cautious profile synthesis, voice matrix screening controls, mega-large moulding stations,

traction metrics, topographic mesh controllers, skin-sensitive automation, nanopore digitizers and span pollutants, the octothotic steel process, new coverage limiters, blank system deep-charging, enhanced coupling, virtual thought meta-breaks,

coiled breech autoloaders, Taiwan-stable system aids, marking-tracking bit bots, police gauge stock adhesives, flame-retardant therapeutics, oxy counters, the many-doubles market theory, old-Freon reconditioning, starch-lubed slip rails,

core toxicity scans, ultrafine distiller mods, back-fit wrench doublers, ultrablack beaching tires, self-constructing hulls, autolopers, many-fit hex bolts, carbonized nanothreads in microscale assembly,

last-chance pop fuses, autofiring fan controls, many-hubbed loop captures, enhanced membrane arcs, catalytic range expanders, noiseless smoke reduction, rolling test cases, micromarked chain sequencers, supervapour capture bags, and laser-trained pattern beacons.

The Tao of Poor Health

2009-02-01T13:15:00.008-05:00

LA colours; a crookedy November in California.

So sometimes my nerves get all weird and I want to jump out of my skin. And sometimes I sleep for 9 hours from an early start and still need a nap and a half the next day to stay cool. And sometimes I push myself through the exhaustion and end up so fried that my mood zig-zags and dives like a drunken seagull.

Lots of times I run my mind at top speed, trying to figure out what the cause(s) could be, from physical to spiritual, superstitious to plausible, facts to fantasy. I think about "getting better", but maybe I never will. So far no doctor has figured it out, and no treatment has really, fully or conclusively turned it around.

And so sometimes I get frustrated. And sometimes I worry. I wonder what will happen in the future, how will I be able to manage work, school, relationships, creative work, service, at this that or the other time-to-come. Sometimes I even start to pity my self.*

And then in class we're studying Chuang Tzu, one of the foundational texts of Taoism, and I come across this story:

Master Ssu, Master Yu, Master Li, and Master Lai were all four talking together. "Who can look upon nonbeing as his head, on life as his back, and on death as his rump?" they said. "Who knows that life and death, existence and annihiliation, are all a single body? I will be his friend!"

The four men looked at each other and smiled. There was no disagreement in their hearts and so the four of them became friends.

All at once Master Yu fell ill. Master Ssu went to ask how he was.

"Amazing!" said Master Yu. "The Creator is making me all crookedy like this! My back sticks up like a hunchback and my vital organs are on top of me. My chin is hidden in my navel, my shoulders are up above my head, and my pigtail points at the sky. It must be some dislocation of the yin and yang!"

Yet he seemed calm at heart and unconcerned. Dragging himself haltingly to the well, he looked at his reflection and said, "My, my! So the Creator is making me all crookedy like this!"

"Do you resent it?" asked Master Ssu.

"Why no, what would I resent? If the process continues, perhaps in time he'll transform my left arm into a rooster. In that case I'll keep watch on the night. Or perhaps in time he'll transform my right arm into a crossbow pellet and I'll shoot down an owl for roasting. Or perhaps in time he'll transform my buttocks into cartwheels. Then with my spirit for a horse, I'll climb up and go for a ride. What need will I ever have for a carriage again?

"I received life because the time had come; I will lose it because the order of things passes on. Be content with this time and dwell in this order and then neither sorrow nor joy can touch you. In ancient times this was called the 'freeing of the bound'. There are those who cannot free themselves, because they are bound by things. But nothing can ever win against Heaven--that's the way it's always been. What would I have to resent?"

And so lately when my body jitters, my heart flutters, my mind quakes, and my nerves twitch and dance and shout, I remind myself that I received life because the time had come; and I'll lose it because the order of things passes on. I think to myself, "My, my! Amazing! The Creator is making me all crookedy like this!"

I look around and take in the sights and smells and sounds, and especially the sensations in my body. I watch people, and the sky, and buildings, and the hairs on my arm.

I let go of my expectations for awhile. I take some deep breaths. Maybe I'd like something to eat; so I eat. Maybe I'd like to work; so I work.

Hm.

What could I have to resent?

* "and all the while my spirit is being blown by great winds across the sky".

A Bean Salad; and The Might of Beans

2009-01-29T20:29:00.004-05:00

Organic navy beans, celery, alfalfa sprouts, coriander, squeezed lemon, olive oil, dill, sea salt

A little on the plain side, even with the dash of sea salt -- the navy beans are from Eden Organics and are unsalted -- but a pleasant mix of textures, hearty, and very fresh tasting.

The nutritional power of beans keeps coming up in my food related discussions; check out the numbers on these bad mothers:

Per 125ml - 1/2 cup
Calories 110
Fat 0g
Cholesterol 0mg
Sodium 15mg
Potassium 300mg (8% Daily Value)
Carbohydrate 20g
- Fibre 7g (28%)
- Sugars 0g
Protein 7g

Calcium 8% Daily Value
Iron 15%
Thiamine B1 10%
Phosphorous 15%
Magnesium 20%
Zinc 20%

This is with no enrichment, just beans, water and Kombu seaweed (as preservative or flavour agent, I'm not sure -- small shreds of it are barely visible in the can). Plus they're organic, so they're poison free and more likely to have the micronutrients bestowed by natural fertilization.

Since I ate the whole can (398ml) for my salad, you can triple everything there. Pretty rockin', no? Who says you can't get protein, iron, or calcium on a vegan diet? Looking at these kinds of numbers on the food I've been eating also fosters my already-raging skepticism about the necessity of vitamin supplements, and super-processed foods that advertise things like high-fibre, et cetera. William Shatner is wicked and all, but All-Bran bars are not a very natural or cost-effective (and defintely not the only) way to get serious fibre in yer diet.

Elimination Diet -- Day 44 Update

2009-01-28T20:51:00.005-05:00

Another morning of clean living.

Well I'm now half-again as far along this ride as I was when I last posted. Interesting. It feels like it should be both longer and shorter.

Point is, this diet has become pretty normal. Not without stress or frustration for me, but certainly quite habituated.

For most of the last two weeks I seem to have been struggling with a flu/cold bug of some sort; I was completely knocked out for a couple days with fever and sleeplessness, and then experienced various extra-bonus-fatigue and other symptoms until pretty much this afternoon, when things seem to have taken a decided turn for the better. Back to Day 30ish condition.

Not a lot to say, because not much has changed since my last post.

Which has led to frustration. Clearly food allergy alone is not the primary source of my health troubles; I'll be checking this assertion with my naturopath, but to me it seems clear that if I haven't noticed world-rocking change after six weeks of the elimination diet, sensitivity/allergy to any of the proscribed foods is not the culprit.

I'm just as confident that the diet has helped, and that giving my system a break from gluten in particular was a very kind thing to do. Also, I have more reference experiences and data to bring with me on the continuing quest for health. And cooking/shopping skill, too!

So what's next?

I've got blood and stool sample tests coming back from the lab in the next week or so, checking for parasites, anemia, blood-sugar issues (diabetes), thyroid and liver function... maybe there's a mononucleiosis check in there, too? So that's a lot of data one way or the other, whatever it finds or doesn't find.

(Ever done a stool sample? A funky operation, to say the least.)

When that comes in, I'll make another appointment with good ol' Doctor V to consult on what to do with the data.

In the meantime, I've been practicing Qi Gong, and working on best-practices for sleep, diet and exercise, staying in my body, cultivating peacefulness and contentment, and praying for the best. I went through a week of pretty frequent bouts of anger and frustration with my condition. "Here I am sticking to this stupid, hard-assed diet, and it's not working, and what am I going to do..." Oh yeah, some fear and anxiety in there, too.

So I've had to remind myself often to stay in the moment, not get so caught in this goal of health that I get in a "delayed living" state of mind. I could die tomorrow, or be sick mysteriously forever -- and many people live with worse disabilities. Love and live now, my Ben, it's all you get.

Today I enjoyed much peace, and also greater pleasure in and use of my body. They may even be connected -- but I recommit to hold to contentment regardless.

The spiritual dimension of poor health.

Virtue of the Year: Authenticity

2009-01-18T16:46:00.007-05:00

Along the lines of my primary focus for the year, I've decided to pick a sort of "virtue of the year".

That virtue is authenticity, the quality of being completely honest with one's self, expressing one's self freely -- not without discretion, but neither letting "discretion" be a euphemism for fear and laxity -- and having thoughts, words and actions be in integrity.

I expect to gain peace, honesty, courage, trustworthiness and power from an increase in authenticity. Love too will flow more easily in a medium of truth.

I intend to pursue this virtue even as it may temporarily "threaten" or "injure" the growth of other marks of character. Especially politeness. Careful self-adjustment to avoid disruption has been a focus for years. Politeness can take a back seat for awhile.

A lack of authenticity has really kicked my ass over the past decade and more. Fear of reprisal (rejection) from or injury to family, peers, strangers and even God, have all been part of my justification. Increasingly, the rationalizations clearly served fear more than love, or any imagined benefit to others. It took a lot of painful run-ins with brick walls to get me where I am with facing authenticity; I feel like I'm in the home stretch but there's a lot of work to do yet.

As I'm learning already, the more likely victim of this pursuit, rather than family, friends, humanity or God, is my precarious and over-elaborated self-image, and beliefs network. To the extent that I discover unpleasant or unvirtuous or weak things about myself and my behaviours, I am potentially given the power to change. With those sins under wraps, misted in self-deception, nothing changes. Nothing grows. Pain, God's mighty gift for informing us that we're running aground, results.

Ignorance — remember? Not bliss.

If the truth challenges something I hold dear, then the dearness should be put in question, not the truth. When the truth storm settles, I'll see what's left, and start building again in earnest.

In the meantime, onward stony lion: glory calls.

Elimination Diet -- Day 30!

2009-01-14T00:16:00.005-05:00

Onward go I through Cayugan suburbs, under the great blue vault of heaven, eating each day three pounds of sweetest fruit.

Alright, been busy getting school sorted out (looking forward to posting about that adventure), but let's snap off a quick post here. Perfectionism and the desire for the sweet, uninterrupted composition hours of yore have also kept me blog-silent. Yore=December.

Day 30!

I have now been following the Elimination Diet to about 95% accuracy, with 3-6 slip-ups, for thirty consecutive days. I've also been primarily vegan for the same period. (I ate fish and turkey once each.) What have I got to show for it?

Intangibles:

Willpower. I've been flexing these muscles in the face of some intense cravings, especially during family holiday celebrations. But never fear -- I rocked it.
Patience and Faith. The physical benefits have been slow and subtle in coming, with reversals and mitigating factors along the way. I'm glad I stayed the course. Encouraging emails from Dr. V helped greatly.
Knowledge and Skill. I have the reference experience of doing a pretty extreme dietary shift for a habit-forming length of time. I know how to feed myself nutritiously on this diet at home and while travelling. I cook more, and slightly better, than I did before.
Pride and Self-Esteem. I've taken a difficult, focussed, useful step in improving my health. Elimination diet: pwned. I am the champion.
Confidence and Vision. I can do this. My body can do this. My doctor is competent. Each little bit better I feel makes it easier to imagine feeling better still. Holy crap, being healthy is going to be AWESOME.

Tangibles - small but significant shifts:

More balanced energy. Going to school for the day without nap-crashing.
Quieter mind. Even when it's busy it's quieter somehow.
More comfortable gut. Less bloated, easier digestion.
Clearer head -- less fog, even when tired.
Healthier, more vibrant skin. Fuller and more elastic to the touch.
Glimpses of restedness. Woke up gradually this morning -- no alarm or bladder emergency.
Better concentration.
More emotional peace. Less anxiety.

For some of these there are factors other than diet at work, but I'm sure that the diet has been a catalyst to the mental, emotional, and by extension even spiritual side of things.

What's next?

I had my follow-up appointment with Dr. Villazan (naturopath) a week ago. Because I was experiencing much of my initial, pre-diet symptoms, I'm not re-introducing any foods just yet. Actually, all the appreciable improvements have coalesced this past week. Still a ways to go, but it's been these past seven days that have made the progress undeniable. This may be in part due to the addition by Dr. V of two more supplements to my regime.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the McGill clinic, primarily to get them to do a parasitology profile on me. This requires [POOP WARNING] getting a stool sample, sending it off to a lab for analysis of the presence of parasites, which McGill can hopefully do for less than the naturopathic centre. I'll also be asking the McGill doc for any other thoughts they might have on my fatigue. Could I also, among the other things going on, have mono again, for instance?

Once I get the parasitology results back, I'll book another appointment with Dr. V, and we'll see how I'm doing then. This should be early February. If I do have some nasty critters in my guts, we'll address that while continuing the Elimination Diet thang. As soon as I'm feeling consistently good, the reintroduction phase will begin.

Diets of Christmases Past, Present and Future

I'm not minding this diet much now. I'm still feeling hungry a fair bit, and having some cravings, but I don't really know what they're about. As far as I can tell, and Dr. V seems to think the same, I'm eating a balanced, nutritionally comprehensive and calorically sufficient diet. Hunger and cravings could indicate real need for some nutritive factor, or be a sign of dis-ease/imbalance. Both feelings have moderated hugely in the last two weeks, so I'm still leaning towards the latter.

I'm not sure what I'll do after the elimination diet. I mean, I'll take into consideration whatever it explicitly indicates, ie.: "you have a gluten intolerance; you have a tomato intolerance", or whatever. I'll probably avoid the foods that mess with me very strictly for about a year, then re-test them; I may end up occasionally partaking of any such foods.

To vegan or not to vegan will be one of the key questions. This past year I thought often about going vegan. I also thought, "That would be tough," and "Especially if I'm gluten-free vegan". "Gluten-free vegan" sounded something like "doing a triathalon" -- not impossible, but holy smokes a lot of work and willpower.

For 30 days now, I've essentially been a gluten-free vegan who also doesn't touch vegan staples like oh say, SOY PRODUCTS, or any kind of sweeteners or desserts, or potatoes, corn, peppers, tomatoes, bananas or oranges. And avoids processed foods religiously.

Gluten-free vegan seems ABUNDANT to me from here.

My primary dietary motivation is health, though, and if through experimentation I discover that a little cheese does me good, or eggs, or fish, I would... Well you know it's funny, I thought I was going to write "eat them for sure", but it doesn't want to come out. There's something unappealing about animal products to me now, that's for sure.

On that note, I've noticed that I can perceive food through two different "lenses", or value-systems now: the way I used to eat, omnivorously, and the way I've been eating these past 30+ days. I can see a pepperoni pizza as something delicious and appetizing and also absolutely unappealing, simultaneously. Hmm. Curious. I could write a whole other post on polyvalent value-awareness.

But I've already kept myself up a wee bit late writing this, so off to bed I go.

The road ahead.

How are your new year commitments developing so far?

Ben's Bad Breakfast

2009-01-07T10:30:00.003-05:00

Bartlett pear, Cortland apple w cinnamon, blueberries; whole ripe mango (not pictured)

Back in business with Ben's Bad Breakfast.

A fruit feast this morning (more awesome alliteration), keepin' it simple and fast, with a probable "second breakfast" within the next couple hours. I ate the first half of the mango before I took the picture, and the second half while downloading pictures from my camera. Y'all know how to cut a mango for eating, right? Let me know. A ripe mango is one of the most delicious, decadent fruits I know.

A deluge of deliciousness (damn!) from the holidays approaches -- I've got the pics loaded, just need to take some time to post and comment on them.

More Food Updates Coming Soon

2009-01-03T02:20:00.004-05:00

Just a quick note for all y'all who've been digging my "bad breakfast" posts. I forgot to bring my USB cable for my camera along with me for the holidays, so I'm unable to post my photos. Worry not, I've racked up a gallery of new concoctions, breakfast and otherwise (any suggestions for a catchy title for dinner and lunch entries?). On my return to Montreal there will be a mighty mega-post, a deluge of deliciousness.

Lately I've been gorging on D'anjou pears. Incredibly delicious, sweet and satisfying. I actually ate 5 today, I'm just realizing. And probably 10 more in the four days previous. I'll have to take and post a picture of a D'anjou pear in honour of all this feasting -- which means I'm gonna have to buy more. Ah well. The things one must do for duty.

I'm also due for another Elimination Diet Update. In just a few days I'm meeting with Dr. Villazan again. Nothing earth-shaking in terms of my results and experience so far, but lots of curiousities; enough that I'm encouraged just enough to stay patient even while not getting the massive results I was hoping for by now. There could be another scale of change going on here that's a little too slow and subtle for me to grasp just yet. Anyways -- more in the entry-to-come.

Reflecting on 2008 and Looking Ahead at 2009

2009-01-02T00:53:00.012-05:00

(NOTE: I've got three different "years" that resonate for me: the Gregorian, the Baha'i, and the school years. I'm going to move towards focussing on the Baha'i calendar year, but up 'til now, it's been more or less an even split between those three markers. The year-end-reflection/new-year-intention process is a fine one, and I'm gonna pitch in here. In the spring, I'm going to recalibrate my focus/goals/intentions at Naw Ruz [Baha'i New Year, March 21st], basically by revising as needed what I've done below, and thus get aligned with the Baha'i calendar year.)

As high as the towers reach, the sky explodes hugely overhead.

Well 2008 is over. How'd it go?

I'll go first.

In the first couple months of 2008, I had a lot to be grateful for, and was in the midst of a pretty grand adventure -- but I was also in extremely rough shape. I won't go into too much detail, but many of you know at least some of the story.

I was living on the other side of the world, struggling with the breakdown of a difficult but cherished relationship. I was depressed, confused, anxious, and approaching a major firestorm of heartbreak, hopelessness, angst and grief. (The relationship was about to end.) My health was very poor. I was also about to be broke (again). I was losing faith in myself, and not without good reason. I didn't trust my values any more, or my body, mind or emotions.

I hated what I saw when I looked back, and I couldn't see a way forward. Self-destruction was massively appealing. It was already happening, really. In March I came back to Canada and settled in for what I saw as a life-or-death struggle. I can't see any reason to revise that opinion now.

It's bracing to remember that time, and how painful and truly terrifying it was. It's scary even just to know that all that is still less than a year in my past. On the other hand, recalling it inspires tremendous gratitude: I have learned so much since then, answered many of the burning questions and doubts that haunted me, and had many wonderful experiences.

The crisis is over. I know what brought it on, and I understand many of its hidden lessons. I thank God and whatever fighting bit of spirit was left in me for pulling me through. I thank my family, friends and counselors for their abundant support, especially my dad and stepmom for offering me a place in their home. I was not an easy guy to have around for a bunch of months there.

Things I'm grateful for and/or proud of in 2008: I chose life. I accepted the lessons. I forgave myself and others, a lot. I learned to take way more responsibility for my thoughts, emotions, actions and results. I let go of a ton of shame, guilt and anger. I came into a more honest relationship with the Baha'i Faith. I met dozens of great new people, and made a few solid new friendships.

I went back to school. I learned a ton about music. I learned to enjoy music a lot more. I massively recalibrated my social abilities. I learned how to hang-out! I returned to hopefulness. I reclaimed some measure of peace, joy and health. I (re-)gained appreciable clarity about my purpose, the meaning of "living a life of service", and my vocational path. I even found/made/was offered peace with the woman that I was in that relationship with back at the start of the year.

So: mostly internal stuff. Working on the level of values, principles, beliefs and perceptions. Massive, really massive gains in those areas. For which I say thank you, and Allah'u'abha.

So what's next?

So happy New Year and welcome to 2009. What's the plan, Stan?

I've decided to pick one primary focus for this year: my health.

Here are some benchmarks for the improvement I intend to make:

Wake up rested after decent length sleeps
Radiant, healthy skin around my eyes
Recover from intense exercise and shortened sleeps within a day/night of good rest and food
Abundant, balanced energy throughout the day
Feeling good in my body, free of excessive, random aches, pains, and twitches

Achieving these goals will transform all aspects of my life: my emotions, my education, my earning potential, my long-term health, my capacity to serve, my social life, my creativity, building intimate relationships, fun and adventure, and so on. This is both the biggest current bottleneck to my progress, and an area where I can exert huge leverage on my total capacity as a human being.

An all-out assault on this challenge is key. It will include:

Working with a naturopath
Working with other doctors as necessary
Supplements, and if absolutely necessary, drugs
Exercise -- including aerobic, stretching, resistance and energetic exercise
Diet -- probably vegan, emphasizing raw and whole foods, avoiding food-sensitivity culprits
Meditation and prayer
Fasting and cleansing
Sleep -- emphasizing regularity and moderation, good habits, dark room, etc.
Research via books, the net, magazines, friends, etc.
Balancing activities and different areas of life
Avoiding unnecessary stressors: moving, abrupt changes of routine, relationship breakdowns, excessive travelling, financial foolishness, starting other major life projects

Focus, laser-like focus, along with confidence, conviction, and unflagging persistence, these will be my arsenal.

I was thinking I'd like to pick a secondary focus, something creative, educational or vocational, but I'm leaning towards holding off on that, and simply pursuing my normal range of activities and striving for balance along the way. All the internal work I've done in the past year has lots of room to settle out and be integrated through my normal activities. There's a lot of energy still flowing from all that upheaval and new learning.

So there are lots of things that should continue to progress more or less on autopilot as a consequence of my daily activities and existing understandings. Thus, in 2009 I look forward to:

furthering my education, working towards professional qualifications
increasing my skills in music, writing, French, social effectiveness and mastery of ye olde Internette for its social, educational and entertainment uses
making progress in authenticity, courage, purpose, love and clarity
contributing to the common good by being an ever-better friend, brother, son, and total stranger; by showing kindness and generosity, writing articles for this blog, playing and teaching and sharing music, and demonstrating an example of a man comitted to self-betterment for the highest good of all
practicing my Baha'i disciplines, deepening my understanding of the Baha'i teachings and sharing them with people who are interested, integrating with and serving the Baha'i community
becoming more peaceful and present
moving into increasingly lucrative, purpose- and talent-aligned ways of making money
continuing to meet and interact with great women
making new social connections, deepening great friendships
reading great books and blogs, personal development and fiction
enjoying hang-outs, trips, parties, shows, et cetera

Unless and until my health objectives are met, I don't intend to make challenging goals or expect quantum leaps in any of those other areas this year. Just maintaining my current momentum will be enough to make steady, small, significant gains.

In my area of primary focus however, I'm going to make major progress. This is going to be equivalent to "the year I lost 50 pounds", or "the year I got sober" would be for other people -- "The year I got my energy back." This is stuff that's haunted me for a long time, and overcoming it will be a permanent, paradigm-exploding change, something to be proud of and use as a stepping stone to the next year's goals. My satisfaction, self-esteem and confidence will be through the roof when I achieve these objectives.

I look forward to sharing my experience with all of you through this blog and otherwise, and hope that my work and posts will be encouraging as you tackle your own challenges.

I'd love to hear about your own focus, resolutions and/or goals. What one or two accomplishments would you consider radical improvements or achievements in your life? What would make 2009 a year to be proud of?

Let's make it a great one!

Saints, Muggles and Haters

2008-12-30T01:49:00.004-05:00

What is love? Elementally, love is connection. Love/Connection is a fundamental human need, and one of the driving forces behind our personalities and behaviours. The drive to fill this need is like flowing water, or a young tree: it finds a way around, over or through obstacles. It will not be denied.

We must connect, and there are an infinite number of ways to do so. However, it's useful to see three broad categories of connection, from the most free and complete expression (represented by love), to the most stifled and twisted (represented by hate), with a mixed-up middle ground between (represented by confusion, or "drama"). The title of this article refers to the archetypes who epitomize each category, and is also a clever, funny mashup of conceptual paradigms. At least I think so. ;-0

At first it may seem bizarre to lump these three categories of human experience together under the same banner, but self-sacrifing charity, self-concerned drama, and other-destroying violence can all be manifestations of the drive to connect.

The Lonely-Box

The Love of a Saint

The first type of connection leads to greater peace, joy, fulfillment, harmony, equality, unity and power, first for an individual, and then, like ripples in water from a dropped stone, for all people (creatures, etc.). This is unconditional love, a radical force that transforms people and the world from the inside out. It is an accepting, generous, grateful attitude towards the world, non-condemning, non-grasping, and without fear. There are a lot of misconceptions about unconditional love going around, most disastrously that it is not attainable for anyone but (dead) saints and other superhumans; more about this in another article.

Miraculous stories of healing by holy figures can be taken literally and figuratively; in the figurative sense, it's the touch of unconditional love that heals spiritual disease. This love is the ultimate form of connection, because it is based on the assumption that all things are already wholly and perfectly connected, making fear and aggression seem irrelevant. "No tree has branches so foolish as to fight amongst themselves." If you truly perceive that another person is a part of you and vice-versa, love becomes the obvious and natural response.

Because it doesn't care much for worldly power, fear, greed or prestige ("God is no respecter of persons"), connecting through this form of love tends to upset the status quo, pissing off self-interested leaders and their boot-licking followers alike. This gives rise leads to the familiar pattern of societies honouring dead heroes and giving big trouble to living ones.

The Confusion of a Muggle

If you mean unconditional love, "Love is all you need" isn't a half-bad slogan at all; likewise "Love makes the world go 'round." Usually however, people use those phrases meaning "romantic" love, an example of connection type number two. This way of connecting is tumultous in the short term, but pretty stable in the long. It contains both positive and negative elements in an uneasy balance, a constant tug of war that delays transformation. It is a cautiously defensive, hopeful-doubtful mix, sometimes presenting a front of openness but ultimately wanting to control. In romantic love, reliance on others for value and confirmation makes for dizzying excitement when the others are acting in a hoped-for manner, and disappointment and anger when they have the nerve to do otherwise.

Gossip and backbiting are interesting and common examples of a mixed mode of connecting. Talking shit about someone who's not there is a way to share something of perceived value and connect with those present, reinforcing shared values and common perceptions ("Isn't she so stupid for saying that?"), while simultaneously tearing down an absent party, saying things that if said to that person's face in the same company would be a cruel and violent act.

Connecting in this way is a rollercoaster ride: there are ups and downs, and it can be scary at times but is ultimately predictable; its a manufactured adventure, a self-made drama. You know what you're in for, and pretending otherwise is either naive or self-deceiving, depending on how long you've been visiting the amusement park. The day you realize you built the amusement park is the day you get a step closer to enlightenment.

This type of connection is the most socially acceptable. Television, movies and pop songs provide constant reinforcement of this modus operandi of connection, and so do most people's conversations. Until we (humanity) raise the bar, it is the status quo.

The Fear of a Hater

Finally, some ways of connecting are actively and unreseveredly negative. This third type is defensive to the point of aggression, and is based in fear and self-isolation; it's like a tree warped, stunted and twisted by obstacles to its growth. The desire to connect is smothered by corrupted beliefs and perceptions of the world, and is expressed in perverse forms like hate, anger and violence.

Some people, feeling simultaneously attracted to and threatened by someone's achievements or character, endlessly find reason to condemn and attack the source of the threat/attraction in a way that goes beyond gossip, and can find expression even in violence. Hip-hop has a great term for these people: haters. Haterism is what choads (people with low self-worth) do to connect with people of high value.

Further down the dark road we get to the truly vile. We're talking pathology here, with the end point somewhere around serial killers, whose extreme psychic isolation leads them to seek connection in the most extreme and vulgar of emotions and sensations; anything less charged doesn't penetrate the walls of their imprisoned self. This negative-spiral way of connecting is extremely unstable, tending to destroy its hosts and those around them; given enough energy, it leads to some very dark times followed by implosion. Think Hitler's Germany. There are other factors behind hatred and destruction, but the perverted urge-to-connect is a big one, and under-appreciated.

Conclusion and Application

In truth, there are only two ways to connect, that of the Saint and that of the Hater. This could be seen as the metaphorical battle between good and evil. The second type is really just a function of both the ultimately-positive and ultimately-negative existing simultaneously in a behaviour, a person, a community, or a planet. There is no truly stable middle ground; change is the only constant.

In honest observation, all of us find ourselves using negative and mixed modes of connection. The question "how does this serve me?" is useful here. Seeing how a negative behaviour serves your need to connect, and points to a lack of positive connection, can help you rechannel your energy into loving expressions. With the need to connect filled in a new way, the old behaviour loses its charm.

Observe yourself and others. How do you fill your need for connection? How does it serve you? How does it effect others? Where is it leading?

Pavlina on "Overcoming Indecision" (article summary)

2008-12-29T21:35:00.004-05:00

Steve Pavlina is one of my favourite writers, personal development thinkers, and strangers-who-feel-like-friends. His articles are fun, intelligent, mind-expanding, authentic, and intense. No holds are barred, and a spirit of love and service run through it all. I've learned a lot by reading his words and applying his ideas, and am inspired by his example. The man walks his talk, keeps it real, and digs the world. May he live long and prosper!

What I'm posting here is a super-concise summary of the main ideas of his most recent article. The article itself is 3000 words long, and well worth it, with some great videogame analogies to boot.

The purpose of writing this summary was to help me digest and remember the concepts of the article; the purpose of posting it is to offer the ideas in brief, with a link to the article for those who want to follow up. Although my modus operandi for this blog states clearly that I stick primarily to original content, I expect this may be a valid way of offering value to those who might not otherwise come across Pavlina's work, and that some people will get something out of the summary alone.

I expect to continue experimenting with posting summaries of Pavlina's and others' writings. I'd love to hear your opinion on this concept.

Onwards:

"Overcoming Indecision", Steve Pavlina
Posted December 29th, 2008

being faced with a difficult decision, a major fork in the road of your life, is actually a self-created illusion, a distraction from the difficult/frightening path you've already chosen deep down
there are no forks, all growth is linear when seen from the perspective of your inner path
instead of trying to predict the outcome of various branches, visualize one path at a time as if you've already chosen it
note your feelings for each path; the path that excites, inspires you is the choice you've already made

In this article as in a few others of the past few months, I notice an eerie and useful synchronicity with what's going on in my life. I've been in a "forks" mode pretty heavily lately, and found myself moving towards this model of decision-making, but he describes in detail what I was half-consciously experimenting with. Let us see what my efforts in the path of visualization will provide....

Realism vs. Idealism

2008-12-28T03:39:00.005-05:00

I love critical thinking. I love learning and integrating bits of metacognitive information that allow me to think clearer, second guess myself in effective ways, and not otherwise, and therefore achieve more clarity and focus -- all of which facilitates more and better action.

Disentangling complimentary or related ideas and values is a category of critical thinking that I love and am finding very useful. For example, working on disentangling past-present-future, logical-emotional, pleasure-happiness, perception-reality, reactive-unreactive, short-medium-long terms -- and realism-idealism.

Look up, earthling.

In Tonight's Title Bout, A Rematch: Realism vs. Idealism

This is the way it's often set up, a perennial contest between two mutually exclusive value systems. Think practical or dream big, feet on the ground or head in the clouds, real-world or dream-land. Different people will choose different sides at different times, and in different areas of their life, elevating one and devaluing the other -- and/or muddling through with an incongruent mish-mash of both. You might find yourself constantly flip-flopping on a certain decision, seeing it first in an idealistic light, then a realistic one, unable to figure out which is best to act on. You might find yourself picking these sides in arguing with others about how to solve a problem. It becomes a battleground, a useless mental trap.

Fortunately, there's a way out of this draining conflict, a way to see these two value-systems as totally complimentary.

Here are some dictionary definitions I found using dictionary.com that I think communicate most of the common usage sense of these words:

Realism

1. interest in or concern for the actual or real, as distinguished from the abstract, speculative, etc.
2. the tendency to view or represent things as they really are.

1. A practical, matter-of-fact way of approaching or assessing situations or of solving problems.

Idealism

1. the cherishing or pursuit of high or noble principles, purposes, goals, etc.

2. impracticality by virtue of thinking of things in their ideal form rather than as they really are
3. elevated ideals or conduct; the quality of believing that ideals should be pursued [syn: high-mindedness]

Seeing these systems as competing, where only one can be the truth while the other is false, or at least one is massively more valuable than the other, does tend to expose the weaknesses in each, and weaknesses there are.

Weighing realism too heavily tends to lead to what I would call a "closed reality". By focussing exclusively on what is known, what does exist or is known to have existed, you block new possibilities. A self-fulfilling conservativism sets in. You tend to overlook or ignore new information, even if it comes from very real and present conditions. Your realism becomes increasingly unrealistic, and your values, a.k.a. your ideals, tend to lose clarity and power. You get rigid and bitter, and life becomes a series of reruns.

On the other hand, weighing idealism too heavily can make you a fruitcake -- it tends to lead to self-delusion, a "too-open", mushy, or vague reality. By focussing exclusively on what is possible, desirable, or imaginable, you lose sight of the tools you currently have to move towards those goals. You'll deny results that don't conform to your idealized vision. Your idealism becomes lame, and its almost impossible to actually realize your visions and ideals. Disappointment and incongruence build up, and hypocrisy saps your integrity. Here too, real change tends to elude you.

The Complimentary Solution

As I see it, the solution is pretty simple: use each for a different aspect of your thinking.

Let's say in an idealistic frame of mind, I develop the dream of becoming a rock star. Realism actually has nothing much to say about this, although some people will tell you it does. They'll say things like "do you know the odds?", or "are you sure that's practical?" Some of these reactionary questions can have a lot of value in the right place, but in this case realistic values are being used to evaluate things that aren't within the realistic sphere of concern. How do you realistically choose a dream, anyways? Really they are "how" questions when you're talking about "what", and maybe "why".

When it's time for the "how", realism comes into its own. Dreamers get sneered at: "Oh yeah? How you gonna do that?" Take the malice and cynicism out of it, and it's a perfectly good realistic question, an entirely necessary one, and one that doesn't conflict with the dream itself in any way. Realism asks how, and then follows up: "Is it working? Is doing this moving me towards my dream?" Realism is the scientific method: I think this action will have this desired result; I take the action; I observe the result and ask if it was what I intended; if it worked I do more of it, if not I do less and try something else.

Notice how none of this conflicts with idealism, the choice and pursuit of a dream or ideal. By separating and honouring both of these ways of thinking, both are empowered. It becomes completely useful to hold and maintain and strive towards not only goals and dreams that you want to manifest in the world (become a rock star, build a committed love relationship, live abroad, etc.) but also ideals that you know cannot be fully realized, in your lifetime or perhaps ever (bring about perfect world peace, live with perfect unconditional love, and so on).

All the while, realism is given full sway to tell it like it is, acknowledge all flaws and mistakes and challenges, and yet given direction by idealism it also gradually incorporates new data. Dreams are literally realized; what was once the province of idealism becomes that of realism, a part of The Straight Goods, The Cold Hard Truth. The system is open, while also being internally congruent and entirely functional in the here and now.

To summarize:

Idealism determines the ends, the direction and the goals along the way; realism the exact path and methods to get there.
Idealism deals with the future, with potential; realism with the now, and the actual.
There is a constant flow between these two: envisioned potential-future becomes observed actual-present which then stimulates further detail, richness, and even outright change of vision.

Application

Start disentangling these two ways of thinking. Observe your thoughts and try to determine which applies at any given time, and how. Stop dreaming about things you already know, or idealizing actual situations. Meditate. Journal. Be patient, let the oil and water separate.

Now that they're separate: Daydream. A lot. Connect with your values, your hopes and dreams. Make sure you're dreaming about stuff that excites you on a physiological level -- otherwise it's probably someone else's dream. What does your perfect life look like? What does a perfect Earth look life?

Then, with your ideals and visions to guide you -- and to drive you -- start drafting out ways to put foundations under your castles in the sky. Get downright android-like in your evaluations of what's going on right now. What resources do you have? What thoughts, actions, influences are helping you? Which are harming you? Keep moving. Act ceaselessly. Observe the results -- are they the ones you want? Refine your behaviour.

And of course it keeps going around: you never stop dreaming, and you never stop acting and observing the results. Give each its place, don't delude yourself, and don't limit your imagination. The sky's the limit -- until you build a rocket ship, that is.

Knowledge is Bliss

2008-12-26T22:20:00.004-05:00

Knowledge is as wings to man's life and a ladder for his ascent.

Ignorance isn't bliss.

Asserting otherwise is a delay tactic against transitional difficulty,
the energy that is required to make a state change.

On the other side of the transition is knowledge.

Knowledge is bliss.

Ben's Bad Breakfast

2008-12-24T13:24:00.004-05:00

Living lettuce, spinach, zucchini, alfalfa sprouts, carrots, parsley, pumpkin seed butter, olive oil and lemon

This'll do, piggy. Pretty standard goodness ratio, nice freshness from the sprouts. Pumpkin seed butter is not something I'll likely buy again, but it was better in this salad than just spread on celery sticks. Not the most artistic way of serving it here, either, but it works: just fork a bit along with a mouthful of salad. Mmm.

Daily Meditation, Prayer, and Visualization

2008-12-23T13:12:00.006-05:00

Unrelated, but groovy

Today I spent some time reading over and visualizing my goals and intentions, praying for guidance and projecting various ideas for the day. I followed that up with a quick sketch of a plan for the day: a to-do list and rough timeline.

It's been maybe a week since I did this, and the contrast is notable. I fell out of this morning habit partially due to waking up groggy and late many of the last few mornings (see my diet update), partially due to the drive and ideas I had to get working right away. I figured, what's better, imagining progress and creative expression, or getting right in there and DOING? And the latter seemed obviously superior, and it was already late in the day, so I would sneak in a quick meditation and prayer session (fulfilling my basic Baha'i obligations) and get moving.

Yesterday in particular though, I found myself feeling a bit lost and wandering in terms of what I was spending my time on. My thoughts were tending towards worry, uncertainty and frustration. I did end up getting some good work done, but a lot of it happened late at night, after an evening of restlessness.

Today I almost did the same thing in the morning, for all the same reasons mentioned above, but for some reason once I got myself settled, I got right into it. I picked up my journal/intentions book and read through it, adding and tweaking as new aspects came to mind. I said a few more personal prayers than usual, asking for guidance and strength to move forward in my endeavours, to make them serve the whole of humanity. I spent a couple minutes imagining my ideal life in the first person. I found myself grinning and feeling a glowing sense of love and joy as I was doing all this. (This is key, your goals/dreams should make you feel.)

After doing 15 or 20 minutes of this kind of meditation, I now feel a very significant shift in my energy level, mood, sense of purpose and clarity about the day, as compared to the last few. It's a familiar sensation, since I was doing this almost every morning for at least three weeks prior to this recent drought, and very pleasing to recognize the difference, and what made it.

As for why I did end up doing this stuff today, it seems pretty simple: I sat myself down in my regular spot, with my journal and prayer and writings books at hand. Habit and conditioning made it easier to do than not.

Doing this kind of visualization, meditation, prayer and planning is like building up a fire, and tending that fire is essential. Physically I'm still out of sorts, but my passion is ON and IN FOCUS, and it feels great.

Alright day, it's just you and me: Let's do this.

Ben's Bad Breakfast (a twofer)

2008-12-21T14:31:00.004-05:00

Spinach, living lettuce, carrots, celery, cucumber, parsley, olive oil, curry, thyme,

Double duty, today -- this is yesterday's concoction. I was out of lemon and desperate to get some flavour into/out of this thing. Not expecting much, I threw on the curry and thyme. To my pleasant surprise, it was pretty good.

Spinach, living lettuce, celery, cucumber, zuchini, apple, cinnamon, olive oil, lemon juice, (parsley added after photo)

Some fruit back in the mix. Two experiments: raw zuchini slices, and cinnamonizing the apples on top of a green salad -- dunh dunh dunh! The zucchini disappeared and the cinnamon was nice and not dominating. A very nice salad.

I love Cortland apples, mild and sweet and crisp. So cheap and so delicious.

Elimination Diet -- Day 6 Update

2008-12-20T10:54:00.006-05:00

This morning marks the sixth day of my (relatively) strict adherence to the Elimination Diet. For the curious, I've posted high-resolution images of both pages of the diet's guidelines. See the thumbnails at the bottom of this post, download the full-size images and browse them in your image-viewer of choice.

As promised in my last post, here's a quick rundown of what the diet encourages you to eat.

FOODS TO EAT
All fresh vegetables (with 5 exceptions noted), e.g.: carrots, celery, cucumber, onions, garlic, beets, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cabbage, and all leafy greens, etc.
Sweet potatoes
Sprouts: alfalfa, mung bean, sunflower, red clover, etc.
All fresh fruits (with 2 exceptions noted), e.g.: apples, pears, grapes, all berries,
Rice (esp. brown), millet, buckwheat, quinoa, tapioca, teff, amaranth
Brown rice pasta
All legumes/beans: adzuki, kidney, mung, navy, black
All peas and lentils
Unsalted, unflavoured, preferably raw nuts and seeds: almonds, sesame seeds, cashews, brazil nuts, hazelnuts, pecans, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, walnuts
Free-range or organic chicken and turkey
Organic lamb, wild game (caribou, buffalo, bison, etc.)
Salmon, halibut cod, mackerel, sardines (preferably wild)
Olive, flax, coconut, and grapeseed oils
All herbs and spices; sea salt
Spreads and sauces that use approved ingredients
Apple cider or brown rice vinegar, fresh lemon juice
Stevia (sweetener)
Water, unsweetened/flavoured juices, herbal teas
Rice and nut milks

I haven't made any firm decision on whether I will eat the animal flesh noted in the above list. I would rather not, but if I really get the urge to relax my discipline a bit, I'd rather do it by deviating from veganism at this point than by eating something on the "avoid" list.

Wait, "(Relatively) Strict Adherence??"

Deviations thus far:

Almost all the beans I've been eating have been canned, and contained salt, calcium chloride and EDTA (a preservative). Finding organic no-additive canned beans is possible, but perhaps learning to deal with dried beans is the better long-term solution.
I had a few olives, with similar problems to the beans.
I had a cranberry juice at a bar the other night, definitely had added sugar, colour and flavouring. Cranberry juice, especially since The Departed, used to be my go-to answer to "what're you drinking?" Now I'm too straight-edge even for that!
I haven't been eating exclusively raw nuts.
Had some salad dressing on Tuesday with balsamic and red wine vinegars
?? -- possibly other deviations I haven't been aware of

So you can see that I'm pretty damned on top of it. (Can you tell I'm proud? ;-p)

Food Sensitivity: Gluten

In the couple days before I started the diet, I allowed myself to deviate from the impending strictures, most significantly by wolfing down four incredibly delicious vegan chocolate chip cookies at my brother's house on Saturday. I was mad hungry after an afternoon on Mont Royal, the cookies were there, and I went for it. An hour later, we went out for dinner, and I had deep-fried tofu, a double no-no on the diet (deep-frying plus soy, a common allergen). All this was a consciously chosen psychological salve: yes, I'm going to be eating very strictly for the next month, but hey I get to cut loose now!

This ended up giving me some interesting new evidence for food sensitivity, and a gluten-sensitivity in particular. I've been off wheat before for an entire year, but during that time I also ate oatmeal, rye, barley, and sometimes spelt and kamut, not realizing that they could be hitting me with gluten -- perhaps in a less-aggravating way, but still causing trouble for my system.

Since that wheat-free year, I ate varying levels of wheat, sometimes being strict, sometimes minimizing, sometimes eating whatever was around and looked tasty. Oatmeal was my most common breakfast. In the last couple months, I decided upon experimentation that wheat wasn't bugging me very much, so I may as well enjoy the good (and convenient) foods in question. I've been working at a classy little pizzeria, which certainly drew me in that direction.

All in all, if I do have a gluten sensitivity, I have never gone for more than a few days without gluten. Probably the past six days is the longest stretch I've ever had. Hmm.

Anyways, before those cookies I had noticed significantly better energy levels and clear-headedness than I was used to -- and starting about half an hour after them I went into a Super Fog, and stayed there for about five hours, until going to sleep.

Further, over the course of the next few days, including the first three days of the elimination diet, I found myself foggy, irritable, anxious, and generally out of whack, sometimes extremely so. This freaked me out, considering that I was eating so well and taking the prescribed supplements. I knew I had been pushing myself a bit, and had a couple nights of shorter sleep, but this seemed an extreme reaction to just that.

On the third day after the cookies and second day of the diet I banged off a rambling, somewhat panicky email to my naturopath, describing my experiences and asking for feedback, suggestions, encouragement, reassurance. I felt weird, and frustrated: here I was taking significant steps for my health and it didn't seem to be helping. I was actually afraid -- "I'm doing all this good stuff and feeling worse; this doesn't bode well!" Of course, even in the moment I knew that the fear itself was a byproduct of whatever my body was up to.

Dr. Villazan wrote me back in a couple hours. She explained that all this could indeed have been the cookies and their glutenous trouble, that food sensitivity reactions can take up to four days to work themselves through. I remembered something else she had said in our initial appointment, that an irritated intestinal tract can become sensitive to an increasing array of foods, such that it starts exhibiting sensitivity type reactions to previously "safe" foods. So for instance, bugging my intestine with gluten eventually makes it have trouble with soy, and so on, such that by now my intestine could be having trouble digesting just about anything optimally, leading to all kinds of other effects. (You are an ecosystem.) Probably the funky sleeps plus high activity plus food sensitivity all lead to a bit of a crash.

Both of these pieces of information -- the 3-4 days of reaction and the domino-effect of sensitivity -- suggest quite a different paradigm than my past way of thinking about food/gluten-sensitivity. I used to look for immediate, short-term effects, both of eating suspect foods and of being off them, and didn't think in terms of the possible trouble that it could cause to all kinds of the body's systems.

Anyways, this bit of reassurance and explanation helped me stick to the plan, and indeed two days later I wrote this and had a great workout in the same day: huge improvements to clear-headedness, peacefulness and energy.

The other thing she reminded me of is that I've been experiencing some of these symptoms for many years (some my whole life to date), and that it will take time to heal. Having gone through this past week and seen some of the ups and downs gives me enough confirming evidence to make this diet still seem like a very worthwile process. I'm definitely going to learn a lot, and quite possibly going to experience a major, permanent shift in my health (and my habits).

Appetite and Cravings

I have found myself nearly constantly hungry the past few days, even as I'm eating large, varied meals. A few times I haven't had access to much permissible food, and ate light, but generally speaking I'm pretty confident that I'm getting enough calories, carbs, protein and fats to make this body go. This feeling of constant hunger is something I've experienced often outside this diet too; I'm curious to see how this develops, now that I'm not filling that gap with sugars, processed foods, et cetera.

I've had some very strong cravings for sugary foods -- this is almost a constant background hum, in fact, though mostly I don't notice it. On Thursday I was out with some friends and they had nachos on the table, and one guy ordered a burger and fries. Though the smells were appealing, and I was really hungry, it didn't really take any effort not to eat or order something. Last night at the recording studio on the other hand, I was hanging out while people dug into some fresh-delivered pizza, and despite having just eaten a massive and delicious serving of quinoa and beans I had to bury myself in a science-fiction story to distract myself. It. Smelled. So. Good.

Purging/Detoxing?

These last couple nights and mornings I've felt pretty sick. It's a hard suite of sensations to describe; groggy, foggy, twitchy, achey. I find myself groaning a lot (while I'm alone, anyways ;-p). During the days I've had some wonderfully clear patches, but evening and morning have been a bit rough. All this while getting 8+ hours of sleep. A plausible explanation for all this is some kind of purge/detox my body is doing now that I'm not pummeling it with anything troubling. If this keeps up for more than another week, though, I'll be looking for other explanations.

Creativity and Focus

Though there are a lot of factors at play, I think this way of eating may be giving my creativity a boost. I'm waking up eager to write, to play, to learn, and I'm getting it done, too. I woke up Thursday morning with the seed of the idea for the Ecology of You article, and then basically went straight to it and did nothing else 'til it was done, about 4 hours. I felt a thrilling kind of focus and flow for most of that time, something I have felt before, but not often and not in a long while.

This morning I also woke up eager to produce, but I feel thick-headed. I can't seem to get much momentum up. It seems like this post, basically facts and recollections from the past week, should have been a lot easier to write than that abstract, high-concept article, but such was not the case!

I'm curious to see how this aspect develops as well. I suspect the boost goes both ways.

Aright, gotta go: Breakfast calls.

Page 1 and 2 of Elimination/Hypoallergenic Dietary Guidelines

Ben's Bad Breakfast

2008-12-19T13:24:00.003-05:00

Spinach, "living lettuce", celery, carrot, parsley, cucumber, carrot, macadamia nuts, 1/4 lemon (squeezed), olive oil

Back to the greens today. I don't know if my relatively veggie-light day yesterday contributed, but this salad tasted absolutely fantastic: fresh, tangy, hearty, crispy, and light-but-rich. The dressing of fresh lemon and olive oil was surprisingly satisfying. It's been a while since I've had cucumber and I was glad to be rockin' it again this morning.

This "living lettuce" stuff is pretty amazing. It's greenhouse-grown (sans pesticides or herbicides) in Mirabel, Quebec, and comes with a bit of dirtied root still attached. It felt almost silky to the touch, and smelled and tasted very fresh and "live". I think I've bought it once before in the last few months, but I suspect my tastebuds and other senses have adapted to appreciate this sort of thing much more as of late.

I should mention that for most of these breakfasts, I'm not actually sitting down to eat them until 1-2 hours after I first wake up -- FYI, for those of you who find it daunting to imagine springing out of bed to wolf down a giant salad.

Ben's Bad Breakfast

2008-12-18T11:38:00.002-05:00

Apples with cinnamon, kiwi

Though I nibbled a bit as I chopped in order to fit it all on the plate, this was two large McIntosh apples and two kiwi. (Kiwis? Hmm.)

This is an example of "first breakfast", the course of fruit that I often eat before running, or otherwise shortly before Breakfast-with-a-capital-b. In this case, it's a slightly more elaborate version, cut and spiced, because I was hungry, and wasn't sure if Breakfast was going to happen in the near term; I was already an hour into working on the day's article, and didn't want to break stride too much. Good call, because I didn't eat for another two and a half hours.

The Ecology of You (article)

2008-12-18T10:22:00.014-05:00

This is my first article on Ben Digs, and it's a big'un. Let me know what you think. And enjoy!

You Are A Machine

There is a common metaphor for the human being out there, and it goes something like this:

You are a machine. You have different components which can perform different functions. You need fuel and maintenance to keep running, and you have certain performance limits which, if exceeded, can lead to breakdown. The better you care for the machine, however, the more efficiently and effectively it will perform.

This is a pretty good analogy in a lot of ways, and certainly has its uses. In my experience, though, it also has its drawbacks. For instance, machines tend to be extremely transparent systems, in the sense that you can take it apart, or look at the design specifications, and given enough time and knowledge, clearly map out the interactions of each system. Machines tend to be very predictable. The more complex the machine, the more difficult to predict every possible outcome or potential breakdown, but at least theoretically there is always a clear-cut answer. There are no parts of the machine outside your control or influence.

Additionally, if you want a machine to do something new, you can stop it, consider the new design, take out some parts, rejig some others, put in a flux capacitor and some LED calendar displays, and turn the whole thing back on again. Pow! Bam! Congrats: your DeLorean now travels through time.

To an extent, we can certainly re-engineer the machines of ourselves, observe our performance limits and patterns, and predict outcomes of our choices. But in approaching my own self this way, I found myself constantly floundering in gray areas that made no sense in the machine metaphor: I had a clear idea what I wanted to do or change, I decided to implement it, and though I could get okay or temporary results, I was frequently sidetracked by seemingly unpredictable (side) effects -- malfunctions if you will, like a weird clunk in the engine, or a burning smell that just can't be anything good.

Eventually these signs of trouble would multiply, or the machine (me on my intended path) would breakdown in seemingly unrelated ways. When I went to work trying to understand the cause(s) of the breakdown, I found some answers, but often came up short. There seemed to be parts of the machine that I couldn't see or touch, yet had big impact on the overall functioning.

This could be seen as simply a lack of proper understanding of the machine, that I simply needed more data. So that's exactly what I searched for, more data, where's that clunk coming from, what's burning? This certainly yielded some breakthroughs and results, but in wrestling with these challenges, I gradually developed another metaphor entirely, a different paradigm that suggests different principles and behaviour. It doesn't necessarily replace The Machine, but borrows some of its elements, and can, in this wonderful multiplexual world/mind of ours, exist right alongside it.

You Are An Ecosystem

First of all, let's establish the basis for applying this metaphor at all.

On the physical plane, you literally are an ecosystem; not a closed one, but then again neither is Earth. You are made up of a vast array of interconnected, interdependent systems, on multiple levels of scale: organs interact with each other, and cells within those organs interact amongst themselves, and organelles within the cells do their dance, all simultaneously. You are host to a diverse array of life forms, from each living cell with its complete set of DNA (you start as just one of these, remember), to the bacteria in your intestine, to the mites on your skin.

Thousands of different systems firing in thousands of different rhythms and cycles move materials from place to place, react to stimuli, process and reprocess chemicals entering or already existing within you, build new structures, tear down old ones, banish or sequester toxins, fight invasions of destructive creatures. Every single one of these systems has the potential to effect every other system through an incredibly complex web of potential causes and effects.

Spiritually or psychically an ecological metaphor is suiting too. Your mind, memory, emotions, beliefs, intentions, and character are a complex, interdependent system, of which you can examine and manipulate only a small portion at a time, while some aspects seem to always elude direct obeservation or manipulation. Often you find you don't understand why you do what you do, and find yourself acting against your own conscious intentions in direct, unpredictable and/or extremely subtle ways. As if your car responded a little differently each day to your pressing the gas pedal: one day it accelerates, the next day it REALLY accelerates, the day after that it turns off, and when you try to turn it back on it spits you out the sunroof.

Much of the controlling forces of our mind, the patterns of our psyche and its latent energies, are inaccessible by any direct means. This was the key breakthrough of Freud and Jung, and something which over time I came to recognize in my own life (this bookwas pivotal). From another angle, Malcolm Gladwell's Blink is a fascinating, practical and very scientific examination of what he calls "the locked door of the unsconscious", and how its hidden contents affect us.

Now consider that both these systems, the physical and the spiritual, are connected, interdependent, interwoven and inseperable: Complexity squared.

And oh yeah, your ecosystem is connected to that big ecosystem we call the universe, and every other system within it.

Ahh. (Pause for brief taste of satori.)

Anyways.

Characteristics of an Ecosystem

As mentioned, a machine is transparent, completely map-able, essentially linear and predictable even if very complex. A machine can easily be disassembled and redesigned to new function, added to, combined with other machines ("hey, my cellphone's a camera, too!"). This has implications which conflict with the actual experience of life as a human.

An ecosystem has different qualities. Its diverse components are dizzyingly interdependent, leading to extreme complexity. It is one whole and many distinct systems simultaneously -- no part can be added or removed without changing the character of the whole. It is cyclical on many different rhythms and scales. All this makes an ecosystem difficult to map, and to predict.

An ecosystem isn't random though. We can learn its patterns, and often a functional overview of the system can be extremely robust, even if we don't fully understand why what's happening is happening.

This is part of what allows Chinese medicine to be so effective, even though it talks about organs that don't exist (you won't find a "triple burner" in an autopsy), uses metaphorical language (too much Damp Heat in the knee, my friend), and employs non-local and counter-intuitive techniques (your heart's weak so let me stick this needle in your earlobe). It is a way of knowing an extremely complex system through metaphors that have proven effective, without necessarily understanding the mechanical cause and effect at work.

Sudden changes of condition to even one part of the system can cause violent effects throughout -- rip the side panel of a car and put on a new one, and you're not likely get complaints from the engine, but introduce a whole new predator to an ecosystem, or take the bees out of it, and watch out. Likewise, subtle and beneficial changes can also cause ripple effects through the whole system.

Ecosystems also tend to change much slower, responding to gradual conditioning with remarkable adaptability and flexibility. At the same time, the rate of change is non-linear: after a slow build-up, conditions can reach a tipping point where massive change takes place very rapidly. Change will tend to occur in a pattern of plateaus and sharp inclines, like building up the potential energy then rapidly changing state.

Your body, mind and spirit are the same. They respond best to cultivation rather than sudden shifts. The effects of one change spread throughout the system in sometimes surprising ways. And change tends to occur very slowly, punctuated by rapid changes that create a state change for the whole system.

Adding the Steward

The metaphor for the psyche that got me on this track in the first place was from a Jungian writer, and went something like this:

You are sailing a small boat across a lake. The sail, and the rudder are under your control, but the water and wind that you navigate by and that provide the basis for your being and moving, are mostly invisible and unknowable. The boat is your conscious mind; everything else is your unconscious, the deeper ground of your being.

I dug that.

As mentioned, the machine metaphor still has its uses: we can after all make decisions that have clear, measurable results, allowing us to further refine our selves and our ideas about ourselves; these decisions, especially taken over the course of our lives, have the power to massively influence the type of live we live and the impact we have on the world.

That's why I add The Steward to the ecosystem model: you are both the ecosystem, and the conscious being who lives within it. Like a farmer, you can learn the system's patterns, manipulate its materials, cultivate and harvest its resources. Furthermore, the steward sees outside the system, is part of it, and over time can develop its understanding and influence of the system. Thus, if the ecosystem-of-you is a world, the steward is really a sort of demi-god to that world -- but not quite omnipotent because some things will always remain outside the steward's reach, to know and to change. A lot of self-development is learning the pre-existing rules of your being and playing within them.

In short, the steward controls input to the system, trains and conditions the system, learns its rules and patterns, and channels its power and resources in various directions. In turn, the system acts on the steward, altering the state and powers of your conscious mind. If a farmer dumps toxic pesticide in the groundwater, he gets sick. If a gardener trains a delightful garden, the gardener lives in a state of beauty.

What's the Use? Principles from the Metaphor

The whole point of having a metaphor about your being is to inform your principles, and thus your attitudes and behaviour. Here are a few principles that the Ecosystem-and-Steward metaphor speaks to me.

CHANGING GEARS vs. PLANTING SEEDS. If you want a burst of power, or a superficial adjustment -- both useful in their way -- think of pushing your machine a bit harder, or replacing one part with another. When you want to make significant, real changes in your life and self, think of the slow, patient, cultivation of an ecosystem, where clear choice and work combine with spontaneous growth to produce changes of state that alter the system as a whole. A forest takes a long time to grow, but once it's there, the landscape is altered in a massive, difficult-to-reverse way.
TRUST THE TREE TO GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT. A machine is neutral; not only that, it's dead. It has no values of its own, no in-built intentions. It is only as good as its design, construction, careful use and constant maintenance. An ecosystem on the other hand is a living, purposeful, insistent and dynamic power. Given half a chance, plants grow towards the sun, and extend roots towards the best soil. You are the same. You cut yourself, a scab forms, the skin repairs itself; similarly, you, at a level deeper and higher than your conscious awareness, work towards growth, joy, peace, health, love, and all the rest. Your ecosystem keeps doing its thing whether you like it or not. There is no off switch. Relax into this.
THE WEATHER CHANGES FOR NO (WO)MAN. Accept that some parts of you are outside your direct control. Don't spit into the wind, or build a house in a swamp; if you do, at least don't complain about the results.
On the other hand, YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT, YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW. Take responsbility (or at least respond-with-ability) for everything that happens in your world, knowing that your decisions do cause change at even the deepest and most fundamental levels -- insert global warming analogy here. What you put into your system, and how you manage it, changes your world. This goes for physical, mental, emotional and spiritual materiel. The weather might not change for a human being, but our demi-god Steward can make the desert a rose garden, given time.
YOU GOTSA APPRECIATE. Dig it: there is a world inside you, with more to explore than you could ever know. Wonder, awe, delight, and curiousity are more than appropriate responses here.

Conclusion

These ideas have been helpful to me in adopting a more peaceful, patient, trusting, holistic and effective approach to self-development. Have you ever considered different metaphors for your self? What implications to the Machine or Ecosystem metaphors occur to you?

Dig it.

Ben's Bad Breakfast

2008-12-17T13:37:00.004-05:00

basmati rice, chickpeas (or, more flamboyantly, garBANzo beans!), pinto beans, celery, avocado, parsley, dill, rosemary, cumin, thyme

A change of pace today. I had the rice, chickpea, celery and pinto mix leftover from last night's late dinner, and got back from my run feeling that something a bit denser than salad would hit the spot. So I tossed it in a fry pan, added a couple more spices (it was bland last night), then topped with the avocado and parsley.

Avocado is fantastic. Slice it longitudinually and squeeze the halves onto the bowl. Mmm.

Despite my additions, the dish was still on the bland side, though it tasted powerful and healthy to be sure. Doing without salt -- I don't have any sea salt on hand yet -- requires more creative enflavourizing skills, and or using some ingredients that I don't have on hand yet and/or am unused to. My tastes will continue adjusting as well.

I should mention too that I start my days lately with a hot cup of water with a quarter lemon squeezed into it. This is my meditation and prayer companion. Tastes great, warms, and (so I'm told) cleanses, especially the liver. After that, I often grab a couple pieces of fruit, especially if I'm headed out for a run, as this morning: Abatti pear and two kiwis.

Ben's Bad Breakfast

2008-12-16T11:48:00.005-05:00

Kiwi, apple w/cinnamon, blueberry

Spinach, celery, carrot, parsley, bean sprouts; olive oil, curry powder and dill added after photo

So today I decided to try splitting up the fruit and salad aspects of brekkie into two courses. As I've been loading pictures and typing here, I've been munching away on the fruit. Then I'll make sure there's a good 10-15 minutes before I eat the salad. My mild web-surfing addiction will make this a snap! Oh yeah!

I'm trying this in accord with a common theory of digestion-optimization that says "eat fruits alone on an empty stomach." The idea is that fruit digests very fast on its own, leaving the stomach within minutes and getting processed mostly in the intestine, but when the digestion process is slowed down by the presence of grains, fats, even veggies I guess, the fruit can actually ferment in the stomach, causing gas, bloating, and I don't know what else. Maybe non-absorption of nutrients? Unclear.

Lately I've been eating lots of fruit with fat (almond butter, mmm), and of course veggies with these breakfasts. Nothing heinous has resulted, to my awareness, but I'm gonna try this and see if I notice any improvement in how I feel -- maybe this has been the cause of feeling "overstuffed".

Or maybe it's just eating four pounds of food.

That was a joke, but I'm curious to weigh one of these meals one of these times....

Ben's Bad Breakfast

2008-12-15T13:31:00.004-05:00

Spinach, parsley, celery, bean sprouts, walnuts, apple w/cinnamon

Much more vegetable-based today. Delicious, again. The parsley and celery make for a very fresh taste; the bean sprouts, too. Blueberries for a touch of sweetness and that glorious contrast of blue. Still huge, have to try for a smaller serving again tomorrow. It's just so exciting building these big bowls....

Intentions for this blog

2008-12-14T22:06:00.006-05:00

1. To provide a forum for creative self-expression.
2. To stimulate, challenge, inspire and entertain.
3. To offer applicable, useful, entertaining, authentic and unique content on personal development and art, including but not limited to: productivity, creativity, health, spirituality, psychology, philosophy, religion, relationships, music and literature.
4. "When you teach once, you learn twice"; ie.: I get smarterer. (Sweet.)
5. More joy, more glory.

Elimination Diet, aka Beware: THE ELIMINATOR

2008-12-14T22:00:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I will be starting an "elimination diet" on the advice of Dr. Orna Villazan, ND.

The purpose of this diet is primarily to investigate the presence of food sensitivities in my system. The method is to first go on a diet which restricts all the usual culprits for sensitivity, thus giving your system a chance to relax, recover, and mend. Then, one culprit at a time, foods will be introduced back into my diet, with about a week between each, allowing for a clear observation of the effects of each food (or food group, such as grains containing gluten).

Though I'll be focussing my attention on what I can eat -- and there is a lot of great stuff on that list -- here's a rundown of what I'll be strictly avoiding for at least the next four weeks:

FOODS TO AVOID:
potatoes, tomatoes, peppers, corn
bananas, citrus (not including lemon)
peanuts
all dairy products
all soy products
all gluten-containing grains (including wheat, oats, kamut, spelt, rye, etc.)
all red meat
all eggs
all sweeteners and sugary foods
all fried foods

I'll wait 'til next post to write what I can eat, to give your imagination a chance to work it out.

There is also a general push towards whole and organic foods, and staying away from processed foods and their myriad additives. (Last night I read an article from the Onion, "Doritos celebrate addition of 1 millionth ingredient!" Pretty funny.)

Fortunately, I've been eating pretty close to this diet lately -- not eating bananas was the thing that shook me most at first glance! I've been eating like 5 bananas a day for most of the past month. Mostly it comes down to being very strict on the gluten-containing grains, and holding fast to dairy- and sugar-lessness.

WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE, WHY?

I'm checking this out as part of my quest to banish my long-held fatigue and live with awesome vitality. Like this:

After hearing my complaints, Dr. Villazan is pretty sure that food sensitivity is a major part of what's been dragging me down. This is going to run through the holiday season, including the Howden family get-together, so that's a bit tricky. No "pink stuff" for me! Fortunately, I'm known for funky eating practices, and I'm hardcore. I'm also confident this is going to be helpful.

I'll be blogging about this and other health quest stuff in the hopes that it will provide useful information and inspiration to anyone looking to eat better, feel better, or face a health challenge in their own life. (Plus there'll be pictures and silliness.) I've got a lot of living to do, best get this handled.

Ben's Bad Breakfast

2008-12-14T21:01:00.004-05:00

Spinach, golden delicious apple, pear, blueberry, carrot, celery, walnuts

Very nice. Some sprouts would've been great, but none on hand.

See, up until recently I had this idea that non-baby spinach was bitter and wouldn't be very good for salads. Wonderful to discover you're wrong sometimes, isn't it?

Here's a closeup (ooh the colours, a junglous world of flavour):

Also, I had a great success for lunch with what started out as a none-too-promising random concoction of yesterday's quinoa (keen-wah, a new grain for me, I dig it) with half a can of red kidney beans. (I woke up from a nap, groggy and hungry and eager to get going.) I then added pepper, a bit of rosemary, thyme; at this point I was just trying to get some flavour in there. Then it got heavy when I dumped the innards of an avocado into the tupperware dish and mixed it together. Oh yes. Creamy, rich, mild, contrasts in effect. Further goodness occurred with the addition of mild green salsa. It became a sort of Mexican goulash event, was actually delicious and very satisfying.

I ought've photo'ed it.

For the breakfasts, they leave me feeling pretty great, but perhaps a little overstuffed. I'm going to try a slightly smaller serving and see if that's more comfortable.

Ben's Bad Breakfast

2008-12-13T11:30:00.004-05:00

Golden delicious apple, abatti (Italian pear), mache blend, walnuts, carrot, celery, sunflower sprouts

This was a ridiculously delicious concoction. The sunflower sprouts gave it a real tang. I picked these up yesterday at a health food store, and damn do they ever taste like healthy food. I mean that as high praise; they taste powerful. The Italian pear is another recent discovery which I'm gaga over. I stumbled on them in the small grocery that's open late and on my way home from work. A very rich, sweet, subtle taste, and a perfect, crisp-and-soft texture.

I'm really digging celery these days, I almost crave it, and its watery crispness enhanced and moderated the other flavours here. I thought carrot might be too dense a texture and too vegetable-y a flavour to add at first, but in keeping with the idea that colour is a sign of nutrientes I wanted to get another intensely-coloured item to go with the greens. Anyways, the earthiness and crunch of the carrot, as well as its own sweetness, were much welcome.

The combination of feeling in my body, knowing with my mind, and puffing up with my ego while eating these breakfasts is a heady mix. I feel invincible, knowing that I've probably just consumed most of the vital nutrients for perfect health, and the day's only beginning. Bam! And drinking a cleansing mug of hot water and lemon beforehand makes it all the sweeter.

DOUBLE BAM.

"First Post"

2008-12-11T15:00:00.007-05:00

A quick introduction.

You'll see that the first few posts below are pictures of what I had for breakfast. That's because: I like my recent breakfast adventures; I like pictures; I'm proud of my super-healthy and super-delicious creations; I like to share; and I think this is a "Bad" (i.e.: good) way to eat, that people might find curious.

You'll notice for instance that they are full of both greens and fruit. Greens and fruit together is a totally sweet deal, and a recent discovery to me. You'll also notice that they are totally vegan, and mostly raw, and mostly huge. This is a very sate-ing way to eat, and presumably knocks off pretty much all the 8-10 servings the Food Guide recommends afore the day has scarce begun (ye scurvy dogs, amen).

After this, anything goes. I love to write, I have a lot of ideas about things, and it feels better when they get expressed. Now, my intention is to make this process of expression as entertaining, interesting and useful as possible, such that reading this blog is a source of good cheer, good challenge, good ideas, and good vibes. Furthermore, it ought be entertaining, interesting and value-offering enough that people will readily recommend their friends and compatriots visit it. This will take some time, some doing, and some calibration, and all suggestions are welcome.

Draft Credo: Good ideas and good cheer for all comers.

Ben's Bad Breakfast

2008-12-11T14:01:00.001-05:00

Apple, blueberries, banana, pear, walnuts, mache blend, (clementine orange added after photo, enhanced both prettiness and flavour)

Ben's Bad Breakfast

2008-12-11T13:59:00.001-05:00

Clementine oranges, banana, celery, blueberries, peanut butter, raw cashews

Ben's Bad Breakfast

2008-12-07T13:54:00.000-05:00

Apple, banana, carrot, celery, mache, raw cashews, peanut butter